#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride
<editorsnote> Julie Wilson recently endured an agonizing break up with her fiancée after being together for 8 years. She is now in her late 20s and confused about what to do next. These are some of her frustrations, and ways she is attempting to heal from her loss. </editorsnote>
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson
What Did He Just Say?
My ex recently went home to South Florida for the first time since we’ve been broken up. It sent me spiraling into a depression (people overuse that term but it really felt like I was falling), back to a dark place I hadn’t been to in months. It felt so bad to be there again. His vacation brought up so much emotion for me. I wanted to be there with him!
I was home in December before we really, really broke up. I was so miserable that I could barely leave my mom’s apartment. I was in the city I grew up in but after 8 years of going home with him by my side, everywhere I looked I thought of him.
How can he go to Islands of Adventure at Universal Studios and see The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios without me?
We both really love that series. When the final book came out we each purchased a copy (actually he surprised me with my copy) and we sat next to each other on the couch and read the book side by side, discussing each chapter before reading the next.
How could he have a good time down there without me?
The day before he left I went to see him after work. We hung out and something with him was different. Anyone who has been through a break-up and tortures themselves with seeing their ex may have experienced the moment where you realize the other person is over you. It’s like having your heart broken all over again. He was just different. The way he was looking at me was different, indescribable but very visible to me. I told myself, “Okay, Julie. Here it is. Deal. You need to really move on. He has.”
This trip just happened to coincide with what would have been our 8 year anniversary. The day that he was at Universal, our would-have-been anniversary and three days since I realized he was in a much better place, I sent him the sappiest text message. Ever.
Although we are no longer together, I’ll think of today as a day to celebrate a beautiful person coming into my life. One who made me laugh, love, and see the world in many new ways. Thanks for being a part of my life.
I want to barf now.
Aww u r to good. Today will be hard.
The night prior was a friend’s birthday and I had been out celebrating. I was drunk and when the clock hit midnight and the day turned to our would-have-been anniversary date I was a mess. I cried, cried, cried. I went into the kitchen and stared at the knives. I was tired of feeling sad and hurt. Tired of the pain. Tired of trying. I kept staring at them and remembered that I was to chicken-shit to do anything like that so I went back to my room. I picked up my cell phone (never a good move when drunk) and opened my text messages. I found her phone number (I had memorized it from his phone and had actually texted her once before). I actually typed the words, “You have completely destroyed me” in the message box. I stared at it. I knew if I sent it, no good would come of it. Hopefully, she would feel bad. But I knew she wouldn’t answer and that if my ex found out he would just think I was being immature/dramatic/stupid, etc. and it wouldn’t help things between him and I. So thankfully, I put the phone down without ever hitting send. But being in such a messed up state of mind is what lead to the sappy, emotional text message the following morning.
That week crawled by, scraping my heart with each day. With me wondering each and every day what he was doing, who was he hanging out with and wishing I was there with him. I was missing everyone that I knew he was seeing, all of his family. The people who were supposed to be my family, but now aren’t.
I dreaded Friday. I knew he would be in Key West. I woke up that Saturday feeling sad and ready to write about everything.
I wondered if on his drive down to Key West if he would even think of me as he got to Islamorada and passed the resort where we were supposed to get married 3 months ago. How could he go to Key West without me there? It’s like he was going on our honeymoon without me!
I WAS so angry that he invited a friend from work (who is also one of “her” friends, too) and that dude’s girl to join him in the Keys.
I WAS going to sit down and write about how sad I am that I’m stuck here in LA while he’s in Paradise. My laptop was sitting on the coffee table waiting for me.
But then I got a text. Almost a week after I had texted him and a week since we had last communicated.
I really wish you were here
I really wish I was there, too
Damnit, I WAS really angry and sad. Now what I am going to write about?
A few hours later, my phone rings at 7:00 PT. He was in Key West and it was Saturday night at 10:00 ET. Why was he calling me on a Saturday night when he’s in Key West?
“You should be here. It isn’t the same without you. This trip isn’t anything like I thought it would be. Anytime I do anything I look for you. I couldn’t even enjoy Harry Potter because you weren’t there to share it with me. Every time I see something cool I look to you and you’re not here.”
Wow, I can’t breathe.
“I know what you mean. Isn’t it fucked up to go to your own hometown and miss the other person? I remember being so shocked by that fact when I was there without you in December…”
And then he said, “…What are we doing Julie? We should be together.”
Wow. Did he just say that?
I’ve been waiting to hear him say that for months!
Then why do I hear myself telling him that I’m not ready. I can hear myself reminding him that he gave me the mission of Being Happy With Being Julie and I’m not there yet. I need to successfully live this single life before I can go back to the comforts/confines of being in a relationship.
I’ve waited to hear that he really wants to try and make it work for some time. I can tell he could be at the point where he is actually, for real, ready to try and make things work.
Then why am I telling him NO?