#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson
Fear.
I’m so scared. Like panic attack scared.
When you lose your other half, when you lose a future that was promised to you, when you wore a ring that made you think the search was over and that your future is set you enter a time of confusion and brokenness. You lose your life.
You watch it crumble into little pieces and then you crumble as well.
You then lay in your bed with a blanket over your head, watch mind-numbing TV with a hoodie protecting your tear strewn face from the world, you eat all the ice cream in the pint, cry your heart out and work out until you can’t move anymore.
To recover is to pick up the pieces and put each one back together. You can easily find the pieces. But then you may find that you just aren’t sure how to put it all back together.
That’s where I am today. I no longer hysterically cry (umm, okay, maybe every once in a while, but not every day). I can make it through the day without tears streaming down my face as I hope that my (all male) co-workers don’t notice. But yet I feel as though I am carrying all of the pieces of my life in my arms, dropping a piece here and there and then picking them up and adding them back to the pile. I don’t know how to put them back together. How to feel whole again.
I have so many questions that I am asking of myself.
What would happen if you and he did get back together? Would everyone still hate him? What will they think of me?!?
Should I stay in LA? I can’t move back home to Florida. Should I move to a new state?
What am I doing?
Where am I going?
Did I just waste the last 7+ years of my life?
What do I want?
note: I have always had a strong sense of self (or thought I did?). The fact that I don’t know the answer to this is fucking shocking to me.
Now what?
I have answers for none of these.
This only adds to the noise inside my head.
Luckily, I have this amazing, amazing, amazing yoga teacher. Before every class she will talk for a few minutes about everyday life, usually tying in a piece or element of Hindi scripture. I swear this woman somehow knows exactly what I am going through. She’s spoken about changing bad habits (Samskara or “brain scars”) right when I’m realizing that I can’t hang out with my ex on a weekly basis forever. She’s told the class about the Veil of Maya (illusion) and how when we act out of character it pulls at our souls and makes us uncomfortable. “Wow, really lady? You don’t say. Light bulb!” That was right when my ex and I were trying to work things out and I did NOT trust this person and was doing things that were extremely uncharacteristic of myself: going through his personal stuff such as email, bank account, facebook, etc. It was through hearing her speak that I have made some big, positive changes in my life.
On Friday I almost had a break-down due to the above questions. THE NEXT DAY she spoke about Akhilandeshwari, The Hindu Goddess of “Never Not Broken”.
Akhilandeshwari is a Sanskrit word; Ishwari means goddess or female power and Akhilanda means never not broken. A play on words. A joke because even her name is broken since it’s a double negative.
Instead of being a weak figure as one might presume, she actually draws her power from being broken. She is free of Samskara. Being broken means you now have a CHOICE on how your future plays out. You can put your puzzle pieces back together how you want to.
My favorite attribute of this goddess is that she rides a crocodile. My teacher explained that the crocodile represents our fear. She went on to explain how crocodiles kill. After they get their prey in their jaws, they bring them into the water and spin them around a couple of times. This completely disorients them (which is exactly what fear does to a person).
Akhilandeshwari embraces her fear and uses it to navigate down the river, which like life, is always moving, always changing, always flowing.
As I sat on my yoga mat I learned that I can take time to just sit with my fear and uncertainty. Maybe I don’t have to have answers to my questions today. I don’t have to know where the river is taking me.
Be with one with your fear.
Ride it, baby.