#NerdsUnite: Confessions of an Unwed Bride
#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Julie Wilson
Editor's note: I recently had two friends tell me some very deep, and very involved stories of their broken engagements and their unbelievable frustration in not having an outlet, or people to talk to about it. They weren't married and divorced, yet a broken engagement isn't like a traditional break up - you also have to mourn this life that was promised to you. Incredibly heartbreaking. I instructed them both to start blogging, and they have. Their stories were too incredible to not share.
Sometimes I Just Give In
I close my eyes and let myself go to an event that never came into fruition.
I can see everything clearly in my mind as though it is real.
The tables all set with tropical center pieces with palm fronds laying underneath.The ocean in the distance behind the simple wooden arch-way draped with light-colored fabric. I can see myself in that gorgeous dress that I put a down payment on. It was more traditional than I had originally planned for my beach wedding in Islamorada, Florida, but it was the first dress I tried on and it fit me perfectly (which never happens to me). I’m holding my bouquet, the color of the flowers is fuzzy (i hadn’t finalized) but there are Sea Grape leaves throughout. Sea Grapes line the highways and beaches of the region and always show me I am home, as they only exist in South Florida (in the U.S). I can see him wearing a white shirt and khaki dress pants waiting for me by the alter in the sand.
I can smell a mix of ocean water and the night’s dinner. A whole roasted pig and seafood, an homage to the Cuban and Caribbean influences in South Florida.
I let myself feel the emotions I couldn’t wait to feel.
The joy of having every single person that both I and my fiancé care about in the same place at the same time (a big deal for someone who lives across the country from everyone she loves). I imagine how absolutely ecstatic I would have been, how 100% sure I would have been when I looked into his gorgeous blue eyes and said, “I do”. The pride that comes with planning a whole event that turns out exactly how you envisioned.
I let myself hear the music.
I’m getting my pictures taken as the jazz standards and singer-songwriter blend I had planned plays in the background after the ceremony. Songs like The Beatles’ “When I’m 64”, Ingrid Michaelson’s “Take Me The Way I Am” and Bobby Darin’s “Beyond The Sea”. Later the DJ is announcing us as husband and wife. We come out to The Cure’s “Just Like Heaven” (my absolute favorite song in the world. I’ve never had “our song” with anyone so the fact that my favorite song was to become our wedding song is a huge deal to me!!) and I am beaming. Then the song would seamlessly blend into Katie Melua’s slower, acoustic version of the song as we begin our first dance as a married couple.
I let myself imagine the later part of the evening after many have retired for the night. I’ve changed into a white bikini and the younger people are hanging out by the pool listening to one of our iPods. People are telling me that my wedding was beautiful yet so much more fun than other weddings they have been to.
I think about the save-the-date that we created together that came out perfect! Exactly as I had envisioned.
I think about the electric mixer on the registry.
I think about how stunning I would have looked when his sister was done with my hair and makeup.
I dream about how I am married.
But I’m not. It’s only in my mind.