#Adventures of @DustyCPollyD: Polly’s First Time Purchase of Condoms
#TalkNerdytoMeLover’s Polly Dixon
For most of my life, I’ve abided by the rule that if you want to pork me, there must be protection. If there is not – if you do not have a condom – sorry, buddy – you just ruined it for both of us. I’ve 100% left that burden on the guy. Never in my life have I rolled with a condom. Never in my life have I even thought to purchase condoms. You come to my place to bang it out, have a condom. I go to your place, have a condom. We get touchy feely in a car and need to pull over, have a condom. I’ve sent guys running for their car in the morning to grab more condoms. I’ve left guys houses if they didn’t have condoms (and kicked them out if they didn’t think ahead. What a bitch, right?
I chalk this up to being in a relationship the majority of my twenties where I never ever had to worry about that stuff. Only recently – being single – have I realized that maybe I am being a little tough on the male species. After all, I’m the most important and if I’m denying myself pleasure due to lack of protection, how unfortunate for me (and for him). So I decided to “man-up” and buy my very first pack of condoms.
NO BIG DEAL.
I strolled into Target on a mission. When I finally found the aisle with the condoms, I was overwhelmed! It took up at least a quarter of an aisle! So what did I do? I took one look at all the brands, the boxes and the colors, PANICKED and walked out.
INSERT ANXIETY AND SWEATINESS.
Good GOD. How do you pick what to go with? Lubricated? Non-lubricated? With or Without Spermicide? Regular? Large? Extra-large? Magnum? Vibrating? Flavored? Pleasure Packs? Sensitivity? Her Pleasure? Latex? Non-latex? WHAT. THE. HELL. How do you guys do it!?!?!?!?
I asked my girlfriends if they’d ever bought condoms to no avail. They were no help. I tried one other time on my own at a CVS. Then I sought the advice of some guy friends who each had their own favorite brand. I mean, insert more anxiety. What if I choose the worst condoms ever, bring them out for a roll in the sack, and then have the guy think I’m the biggest weirdo? Awful. I ended up calling one of my friends while in Target (on my third try), acted like it was no big deal. Strolled up to the condom aisle, with a red, flushed, embarrassed face, sweating profusely, grabbed a box – shoved it deep into my basket—and hurried for the check out, hoping no one saw me.
Later on that night, my girlfriends and I – in celebration – of my feat, blew the condoms up as balloons. So mature.
Have I used them, you ask? Only one time. Only once. Only one, measly condom. Only to have the guy tell me that there is something questionable about a girl who has her own stash of condoms. Now I’m weirded out about bringing my condoms out to play. FAIL.
And then after that, I went to Planned Parenthood and they gave me an entire bag of FREEEEEE condoms…which who knows what those are like. I have no idea why I put myself through the drama of sweaty, nerve-wracked shopping expedition.
#noglovenolove
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