Oh Seattle – what a rad rad rad city!
Alrite– here is the rundown. Are you ready? Are you really ready? What a friggen awesome weekend!
First up, as I said the other day, the train ride up was AHH–MAZING! The views were absolutely stunning, and I’m not just talking about outside the windows. ::wink wink:: Dudes, train sex HAS to be on my life list. The train as is is so romantic and so … old school.
After 34 hours, I finally arrive in Seattle! Super stoked, never been – totally on my life list.
I got hooked up with my train ticket, and accommodations through @InBedMe (read more about that here). Really friggen RAD startup! And totally something the hostel community needed. Basically they integrate your social media profiles into your booking so you can chat with other travelers that will be there at the same time as you before you arrive. I’m suppeerrrrrrrrrr shy IRL, so for me – this is a HUGE value add being able to become besties beforehand.
The rest of my weekend however, was totally up in the air. I knew I needed to go to the space needle to cross it off my life list, but outside of that – I planned on letting the wind take me anywhere it wanted to.
Fortunately because I live my life so public, people on twitter totes saw that I was in town and offered up some local hospitality!
I met this duderino last year at a party at the Logitech loft in downtown LA. Really rad dude, we stayed twitter friends (obvs) and when he saw that I was in town he offered to show me around.
We met at the Pike place market and then we grabbed lunch at this oyster bar – OMMMGGGGGGGGGG it was the freshest fish and chips I had EVER had!! For reals, Emmett Watson’s Oyster Bar. Kind of a bit hidden (definitely a local joint) but holy shit some of the best seafood I have ever had. And dudes, I’m FROM New England! I grew up fishing and eating nothing but the freshest ocean cuisine.
Was literally one of the best things I have had in my mouth in a very long time. You go Emmett Watson!!!
Jeremiah then took me for a walk around the city showing me the first Starbucks, and other local bits of awesome – then after a short car ride later, we ended up at Caffe Vita.
I grabbed a latte still a bit tired from my journey – and ommmmmmmmmgggggggggg it was one of the best latte’s ever. For reals, man – Seattle does NOT mess around!!! It was so frothy … and so delicious … and so … so … YUMMY!!!
OMG it made my life.
We then met up with Jeremiah’s friend @inflatemouse who is a super guru SEO. He’s an author, speaker, and a whole boat load of fancy pants stuff – but bottom line, a really rad dude. We spent the first hour talking about the user interface on the new Windows phone.
OMGGGGGGGGG I do not like it! It’s simple things, I explained. When I go to use something, if I have to sit there and think about – wait, which button does this and that? I KNOW my parents, and other less techie people will never EVER get it. It’s a cool phone, whatevs – I’m not mad at it, but from a user experience perspective it’s god awful – it’s too many steps to make a simple execution. No bueno.
Also, I can’t share pics via bluteooth and that is PISSING me off!! (If anyone knows how to do this btw totes hit me up. I cannot BELIEVE you cannot share pics via bluetooth. That is like the dumbest thing ever – and definitely not good for a lifecaster like myself who takes who KNOWS how many pics on my phone and has to quickly transfer them over.)
Of course too I got SUPER passionate giving my explanation and gradually got louder and louder and started talking faster and faster. It was hilarious. I think both dudes got a boner watching a chick get this genuinely passionate about tech.
I can’t handle shit that sucks, and I have no filter – so I have no problem articulating why things aren’t working.
Also too, I don’t know if other people are having the same issue with the Samsung Focus, but I don’t know if my fingers are either too fat, or I just type too fast – I make SOOOOOOO many more typographical errors using that thing. Albeit, the autocorrect is more intuitive than the Droid (especially when you’re like me and speak with your own little lingo) – its still frustrating when you’re tweeting something on the fly and then have to go in and delete the tweet due to your misspelling.
Then we popped over to Grims to grab a happy hour and meet up with more of your loverly faces.
Shout out to Rob!!! What’s up homeslice!! Great meeting you!!!
Then, when I went to the restroom, I got a text from an old friend of mine in LA who moved to Seattle. She was inviting me to a sex club for the evening.
I was all … DUUDDEEEEE!!! I’m here for less than 24 hours and I’m already being invited to a sex club? SUH–WEET!!!
See, sex and tech pretty much go hand in hand. No one talks about it – but because I post all of my sexual shenanigans people can pretty much tell that I am down for everything, so when I’m in town I will get invited to things like this.
It’s rad too – this chickie is totally a belle in social media but a COMPLETE freak in between the tweets.
You’ll enjoy this, she said.
I then asked if my guy friends could come, and unfortunately she said no.
Just chicks – no dicks.
Alrite, alrite – I get it.
I then leave happy hour, and agree to meet with the guys later. They of course were UBER jealous – but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do – and this shit HAD TO BE DONE!!! =)
My friend then picked me up in her pickup truck and away we went.
I’m a super nosey person, so I peeped into the backseat at some bags and this bin she had back there.
Whatcha got in there? Chopped up body?
Not quite – but ammo and a tiramisu cake.
Because of course, ammo and tiramisu totally go together.
She laughed, no she said – I go shooting. Seattle is actually known for being very gun friendly. A bit of a juxtaposition to traditional liberalism, but it works.
Hey lady, whatever floats your boat.
We then arrive at the club a few minutes later. Seattle is a crazy small city distance wise. It’s very hilly, but distance measured as far as the crow flies – not that big of a city. (If SF and Chicago had a baby you’d have Seattle. But think a bit more small town-ish. Like everything closes super early too which is kinda lame.)
I get out of the truck, and my friend stops me.
You have to leave all phones here. No pics, nothing.
Can I check in on foursquare? I ask
I’m not sure. I might have to say no to that.
Alrite, I say leaving both my droid and windows phone in the car.
We then go inside, and after signing two releases and paying $20 we were in.
Then a woman stops us – oh don’t forget your name tags.
Name tags? I asked. Oh this is great.
She then asked me for my name again writing it down and her next question threw me …
What color underwear are you wearing?
Um, I’m not here to perform I said.
Oh don’t worry sweetie, it’s just an ice breaker.
I told her the color of my underwear … and she then handed me my name tag …
Sex clubs aren’t at all what people think. This isn’t some, Eyes Wide Shut kinda shit – (well at least I haven’t seen one like that yet) … these are more animalistic. These people aren’t models or actors, they’re school teachers, nannies, doctors, and lawyers who just so happen to like to dress up and get whipped, or be strapped to a chair and teased mercilessly for hours.
Sex clubs don’t actually turn me on – but rather I go to them to open my mind. Talk about the most EPIC people watching ever. Watching these people act out their fantasies is one of the most incredible things ever. It’s all so raw, and animalistic. Again, I’m not watching the school teacher, I’m watching the mammal unleashed. Where else am I going to have the opportunity to experience something like that?
Fucking fascinating. (no pun intended)
I have to admit though – there was one thing that shocked me, and it was this woman who liked to have people stand on her and be pinched. I’m not even kidding you, every time she was pinched she sounded like she was having an orgasm. It was a VERY intense thing to experience.
Most of the time you will just see people boning and getting off on the fact that people are watching, or you’ll see a woman being whipped (like at my first orgy) – but this woman had this guy who TOTALLY could have been Taylor Lautner’s stunt double standing on her while she was naked and he punched her and pinched her skin.
She was also well over 300 lbs to boot – so to see her be turned on by being pinched in places I would never think were that sensitive was a really rad thing to witness.
I’m personally not ticklish at all – but to see someone react so FEROCIOUSLY to being touched an inch below their collar bone was a new experience.
We stayed for about an hour. I didn’t talk to many people, just watched – and mostly with my jaw open. Dudes, I saw a woman in rainbow brite socks get smacked with a cane. Their reactions as well were so childlike. Incredible people watching – just absolutely incredible … but again, didn’t turn me on. I just like to explore, so yes, my clothes stayed on the whole time as usual.
THENNNNNN, after I got back to the land of the living aka twitter – I said good bye to my friend, and tweeted the boys asking if we could meet up again.
They suggested going to this place called Shortys as they were known for their beer and pinball.
Dudes, an ARCADE?!?!! WHAAATTT!!! YES PLEASE!!!
I got super excited meet up with the guys, and as we were walking in Jeremiah stopped and asked if we could say hi to one of his friends at this bar next door.
Sure, not a problem, I said. I was still also processing everything I had seen at the sex club.
On the way in, @Inflatemouse stops me. Jen, I dare you to go up to my friend over there and say “Carlos will have sex with you if you buy me a drink.”
Me being dared to do something? HA! Dudes, you don’t even HAVE to dare me to do something – I’ll just friggen do it. I have ABSOLUTELY ZZEERRROOOOOO shame – so that was a no brainer.
I walk up to the group (she was with 4 other people) and say Carlos will have sex with you if you buy me a drink.
The girl looks up – shocked.
Excuse me? she replies
I then repeat, and laugh.
Hi, I’m Jen I say outstretching my hand. I then go around the group introducing myself.
The initial girl stops me – wait, who the hell are you?
Her friend looks at me like she’s about to ask me to take this outside, so I stop and say no no no! I’m with your friend … Carlos!
The guys then walk over.
OHHHH, she says.
We tweeted you, replied Carlos.
Yeah, I didn’t see it, said the stunned girl.
I take a deep breath, awkward!
We then stay for a few minutes, and then Carlos took me over to Shortys.
I walk in and OMMMGGGGGG I was in HEAVEN!!! A bar with a full pinball arcade in the back.
YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!
I grabbed a hefewizen, and fortunately because I always have bus money on me was stacked with a TON of quarters. YAY LIFE!!!
We then played pinball for a few hours. OMG I am so rusty. For reals, I am an EPIC skeeballer, and I’m not too bad at hoops and air hockey – but pinball … I need to brush up on.
Fail. Epic fail.
Then came last call, and Jeremiah (who joined us about 20 minutes after we arrived) piped up saying, we should end this night with a greasy bag of dicks.
Now, I just came from a sex club – so I MIIGGHHHTTT have expected hearing that there, but here? And now?
What? I say genuinely perplexed.
Dicks!! Our super famous drive in. It’s a staple, and something you must experience.
DONE! I said.
And 20 minutes later I had a greasy dick in my mouth.
OMMMMMGGGGGGGG it was so delicious, and dare I say – better than In and Out. YEP!!! Maybe it’s because I’ve had so much In and Out in my lifetime, but I dunno – I had a deluxe and every morsel tasted like heaven.
OMG and their fries were UNBELIEVABLE too.
I inhaled it all – literally.
The guys then dropped me back off at the hostel – and 7 hours later when I woke up, I REALLLYYYYYYY felt that greasy bag of Dicks.
OMG – no. bueno. I thought.
I rested up that morning in the hostel, putzin around, making some new friends. Again, I had no real plans, just wanted to see where the wind took me.
After I got some work done in the morning I popped on OKC wanting to test out the dating scene in the area. See, OKC’s new app upgrade is actually location integrated. So ANNYYWHHEERREEEE I am traveling, I can just pop up the local option and view dudes in my area.
I then set out a broadcast (which you can also post telling the local guys what you’re game for) asking if anyone wanted to grab a beer.
Moments later, I had 5 interests.
I scrolled through.
Not my type … decline
Not my type … decline
Not my type … decline
Oh! This one? For SURE!!! I clicked “let’s meet!” and moments later we were chatting via email.
We then swapped digits, and I told him I’d be in downtown around 7.
Not a probe he said. He was working on switching something to a new server (yes, even guys I pick at random ALWAYS end up being uber nerds) but he would hit me back later.
As 7 drew near though, I still hadn’t heard from him.
Ah- FML. Fine.
I go BACK on OKC and find another guy I like, asking if we can meet.
He too was game, and as soon as I clicked send giving the final yes – the OTHER OKC dude hits me back telling me he wants to show me something funny.
What? I say.
He then shows me a picture of his shoes – they’re Vans with holes in them.
SHUUTTTTT THE FRONT DOOR!!! I reply back
(FTR, mine are OFFICIALLY going bye bye on December 15th. Have a new sponsorship coming up!! So stoked to tell you all about it.)
Ah, but FML I thought. I have now agreed to meet two dudes, and BOTH seem really rad.
Fine, I think. I’ll do something I SWEAR I never do – and that is double book an evening.
See, some chicks will meet a guy for dinner, and then meet a dude for drinks a few hours later. It’s totes not my style, but it’s done all the time. I personally enjoy being in the moment and letting the day take me where it wants to take me. Having schedules can make me freak, and that is even the case when it comes to dating. I’m here to enjoy this person’s company and to get to know them better – not wonder if I am going to go over the allocated time.
I then decided if I was going to do this – I had to go big or go home … so I might as well live tweet as much of the evening that I could.
I then posted on Facebook my situation, and minutes later walked out the hostel door towards downtown.
I still hadn’t set a definite location with either date, but knew it would be somewhere in the downtown area which was about a 20 minute walk away.
As I’m walking over still about 5 minutes away from my destination – I feel a tap on my shoulder.
I lower the volume on Spotify, pull down the earbud and as I turn around am greeted by a concierge.
Hi! He says very excited.
Can I help you? I reply while squaring off my feet and immediately going into Jen Jen ninja mode wondering if I have to throw down.
I just had to say, you’re really beautiful.
Thank you, I say wondering where this is going.
Where are you from? I haven’t seen you around and you don’t look like the girls around here.
I’m from LA just visiting for the weekend.
Just visiting? he said – oh! then I have something you have to see. Come inside.
He then walks down less than 5 feet, and opens the door to this palatial private residence. Dudes, I’m not even kidding you – living in LA you get to see a lot of nice apartment buildings – this place looked like the friggen Ritz. INSSAANNEEE!!!
I stare at him wondering what his intentions are, and if I am going to end up in some sort of body bag. I tweeted out my predicament to at least alert people that I was experiencing something funky and should shit go down, I’d pop on Ustream to immediately go live to over 7,000 people asking for help. (That’s gotta be faster than 911, btw)
Also too, there was some sort of holiday party going on so there were people LITERALLY all over the place. There’s no way this guy would have tried something, because there were too many witnesses.
Let me just close this back door – but I want to show you something, replied the concierge.
<tangent> That’s the thing too with me dudes, is that I’ve BEEN in those situations before. I’ve been grabbed on the street in NYC, I’ve had a store I was working at get robbed, I’ve had a dude try to carjack me, and I was almost kidnapped when I was 8 from Quincy market in Boston. I have very literally seen it. been there. and done that. I don’t get scared in situations like this because I’ve already been there and know what warning signs to look for. Had this guy not been in uniform, and had there not be people CRAWLING all over this place, it would have been freaky and I would have run away screaming STRANGER DANGER – this was fine. I assure you, I am crazy, but not an idiot. </tangent>
Still a bit cautious though, I kept my finger on Ustream the entire time.
We then approach the elevator, a few people that lived there got inside with us. Still good, I thought. Again, too many people around.
He presses the 39th floor and one ear popping later the doors open.
He guided me through the glass door and showed me very literally the most breathtaking view of the city.
I immediately whipped out my droid and started to snap pics. See, the most absurd bat shit things will ALWAYS happen to me, because I am a people magnet. However, anyone online knows it’s pics or it didn’t happen. If I didn’t document as much as I could that this SUPER RANDOM thing happened, no one would have believed me – and rightfully so.
Put your phone down, he said, enjoy the view. Here, come over to the edge he said – and look down.
HELL NO! I screamed.
HELL NO!!! I am PETRIFIED of heights, and furthermore, who’s to say you’re not going to throw me down there. Oh HELLLLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
The “hell no” part actually did escape my mouth, and I then thanked him for the view and after snapping a few pics walked back inside and called the elevator.
We have really beautiful model units, he said.
Yeah no, I replied. I have to get back to my friends – they’re waiting for me.
Oh sure! Not a problem! Hope you enjoyed he said as I got back into the elevator.
Yep, I replied while thinking, dudes life is SO FRIGGEN RANDOM!!!
I thanked my new friend, and gave him a hug goodbye. He asked if we could meet up later, and I said surree!! I’ll totally come back …. (not). Dudes, I’m all for picking up people on the street. For reals, I’ve stopped guys before and hit on them – but this guy IMMEDIATELY got my inner ninja up by asking me to go to a second location with him. Albeit, yeah, it was fine because the entire place was packed – but it still just felt weird. And I’m not mad at doing crazy shit, but weird shit just ain’t my cup of tea.
I then got back outside, putting my hood up to avoid anymore random encounters and headed over to the Whiskey Bar.
I remembered Jeremiah telling me that it was a rad spot, so I plopped down and ordered a beer while I waited for either of the guys to get back to me letting me know the deal.
An hour and one very large and potent Belgian ale later, I still hadn’t heard back from the guys.
Really?? REALLY?? I thought! Not one but BOTH stood me up??
Also too, guys don’t normally stand you up when you’re doing something so last minute to begin with. Out of every city I’ve ever been in this was TOTALLY a first. Stood up by not one but TWO guys.
Karma I thought. See, this is what happens when you double book.
The bar was pretty packed at that point, but I wasn’t being particular social. I genuinely could not believe that both guys weren’t coming out! LAMMMEEE SAUUCCEEEEE!!!
As I was about to close out my tab, the guy next to me with his girlfriend pipes up asking if I wanted to join them and their friends to go bar hopping.
Where ya headed? I asked
To this place called Ambers, and maybe a few other bars. All within walking distance.
Two words that were music to my ears: walking distance.
Sure, I said closing out my tab. I had nothing to lose, and it was part of my mission to have a beer with a new friend I figured these people seemed alrite.
Where ya from? I asked
Idaho – they replied. Just moved here.
Nice!!! I’m visiting from LA.
Oh wow, he said. I used to live in LA.
What area? I asked
I stare at him for a moment – Palmdale is not LA … but whatevs. (That’s like saying you’re from NYC but you really live in Syracuse. Palmdale is WAAYYYYY the fuck PAST the valley. Way way WAY out there – and very residential and not city like. Palmdale is Palmdale. Not LA.)
Either way, we struck up a great conversation. Really rad peeps – they even introduced me to two other guys they were drinking with. The dudes were from Seattle. One was in the military about to go on leave again, the other worked for a landscaping crowd.
We then all closed out and went across the street to this placed called Sonyas. A bit bigger, definitely quieter – and with couches next to the bar, definitely more my scene.
AHHHH to relax after walking all day!! I thought
One of the guys then offers to buy my beer, to which I say yes and thank you.
I then look at him a little more closely though and think, how old is this kid?
Not having a filter – I of course blurt that out instead of just thinking it.
21, he replies.
Holy fucking shit. SERIOUSLY?!?!?!
And dudes, this kid was spitting some SERIOUS game. He wanted all up on the Friel, but good GODDDDDDD I could not touch a 21 year old. I’m 26, a couple of days away from 27 – and this just wasn’t going to happen. I AM ILL PREPARED TO BE A COUGAR WHILE I’M STILL IN MY 20s!!!
He was a great kid though, don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed talking to him – but omg my dating life for that evening could not have been any worse.
We finished our beers off at Sonyas and then headed across the street to Ambers. A bit more upscale of a place, and reminded me of every other LA club. This place was DEFINITELY a “scene.” Ugh! Totes not my style.
Whatever though, I thought. These peeps are locals, this was all within walking distance – just keep saying yes to life I thought.
We then started to dance, and the couple seemed increasingly more intoxicated. I’m a beer girl, so I can DRRINNKKK. See, I have to get up every morning to write and to keep this loverly site going – so being hungover is not an option for me. Although, yes, it has happened in the past – I can’t handle it. I very honestly work too much and to be down and out for the count for a day is not kosher for passover.
As the couple’s intoxication rose, the music got increasingly louder and louder and the place turned into a club.
The 21 year old grabbed me and started to dance.
I can’t describe his dancing skills – it was somewhere between Elaine from Seinfeld and Carlton. Bless this dude’s heart – really attractive kid, I’m sure gets a lot of 21 year old pussy – but I’m not sure what those dancing skills were, and if that is a precursor to how he is in bed – I am DEFINITELY out of here.
A few songs later, the woman from the couple comes back and tells us that her boyfriend got kicked out for being too drunk.
Shocking, I thought.
We then bid our new friends goodbye and I excused myself to go to the restroom.
I knew I wanted to go at that point, but it was still technically pretty early, and these guys weren’t really that drunk – so I wasn’t sure how I was going to be able to escape without being INCREDIBLY obvious.
I then did what every other girl would have done in that situation … I hid in the bathroom.
Yep, I literally just sat down in a chair inside the lounge in the bathroom and decided to wait it out.
I then began tweeting out all of the things I was overhearing, and seeing in the bathroom.
First, there was the girl that took her pants down LITERALLY right in front of my face (the chairs were pretty low and she was rocking some gnarly heels), and rushed over to the sink to pee in it.
Then, there were the actual cougars who were in their mid to late 40s wiping away tears from their friend’s eye telling her that she’s too good for some guy.