Editor’s note: I have very literally spent all morning crying while writing this post. Seriously … this weekend was amazing and overwhelming on a lot of levels. A lot of unexpected healing occurred … a whole. whole. lot.
Oh lordy schmick-mordy. What a weekend … lemme break it all down, cause straight up, down, left, and right – it was the tits. DDs for reals!!!!
So, Saturday, I had one of the best nights of my life. Here’s a song, btw.
K. So I was asked to be a Wing Girl on Saturday for Neil Strauss’ StyleLife event. Basically he teamed up with Marni from The Wing Girl Method, to take his students from the academy and unleash them on downtown LA to learn how to pick up women in the field. Totally rad, and after 103 dates in 9 months on OKC, I had a LOT of insight to offer.
I’m not gonna lie, when I first heard though it was a Neil Strauss event (aka the dude that wrote every woman’s worst nightmare The Game), I was a bit turned off … but also a bit curious. I knew in my heart if I could just put on my big girl pants, and not take the fact that I fell for The Game when I dated the mentalist (read an exerpt here), I could take something away from this and hopefully gain some personal insight, and potentially even understand you all better and what makes you nervous about approaching women at bars.
Bottom line: I went in with a very. very. very. open mind.
Trust me, I didn’t want to. It’s not exactly a normal thing to want to invest your entire Saturday with the guy who created the formula for the dude that broke your heart; it’s fucked up, but I recognized if I could tolerate that place of uncomfort, something amazing could come from it.
I got to the event pretty early, it was an all day conference which for me is just … my worst nightmare. I’m super fucking ADD. I can’t sit in a room and stare at a person talk at me for 8 hours without falling asleep. I kept having to get up and use the restroom just so I could walk around, and I was also super grateful that I had my iPad that I connected to wifi on thanks to my super pancy pants Droid Charge (mobile hot spot for up to 10 devices).
I’m not allowed to say what exactly happened at the conference, or how he does what he does – we had to sign an NDA … but there were a few things that I wanted to highlight on an all encompassing social dynamic level.
First off, give specific answers to build an identity.
When someone asks you, soooo what kinda music do you like? Don’t ever answer with “everything.” That’s what everyone says, and isn’t very interesting. We all like everything … so what! Give a specific answer of oh, I like Bob Marley and here’s why. That person isn’t looking to borrow your iPod for the weekend, they are looking to get to know you, so give them something to unlock.
Secondly, I say to you guys all the time that I am attracted to confidence, but I haven’t really broken that down for you. What the fuck is confidence?
In the simplest of terms, confidence is the byproduct of you understanding your self worth and articulating that to someone. It’s that you’ve gone on a little journey to figure out what you enjoy, and are good at – and BAM! That be it!
It sounds really easy, but of course it’s not. Self worth creates self esteem from the inside out. You have to turn inside of yourself and say, yep! I like doing this … and if it feels good … keep going!!! You’re on the right track! There’s no science to this, you just have to be constantly self evaluating and be willing to make changes when you feel something isn’t working. Period. End of sentence.
So yeah, that was definitely an a-ha moment for me in explaining to you all what that really means. I am making a commitment to no longer say I am attracted to confident guys, and rather I am attracted to guys with an established sense of self worth.
Me likes the sound of that!!!
So then I swapped out my vans for my sexy sexy boots and we got separated into groups where each wing girl was given about 5 dudes to take to bars in downtown Los Angeles. I was one of the lucky ones that didn’t have to go far … I was assigned to the rooftop bar at the Standard.
OMMGGGGG that place is BEAAUUTTIIFFULLLLL!!!!!
This picture doesn’t even do it justice, clearly. I mean wow. wow. wow. I had never been, but I was truly in awe.
K … so I got my group, and I got my assignment, but the first thing we all had to do was bond. We were instructed to warm the guys up by doing simple improv games to get them up and on their feet. After a few rounds – the guys were still nervous. I needed to build trust and an emotional connection if I knew they were going to listen to me, and take risks, I had to just cut out the bullshit and get to the heart of it. I pulled out an OKC question, and asked everyone to go around in the group and say the most private thing they are willing to admit.
I started to get things off on the right foot … and shit got real fast, and pretty intense. Everyone went around and said something very very very private, and BAM! Just like that, they all realized that they had ALL gone through some shit, and it all became this factor of so what! Shit happens, move on!
I then mimed this little door and said all that stays right here along with all the self deprecation. (The dudes made cracks a few times about being losers and all that snazzy jazzy stuff. I fucking called ’em out on it, man! I said I do NOT want to hear that coming out of your mouth. You’re actively seeking to make yourself better at something. How does that make you a loser??? Are you KIDDING!??! Yeah, joking or not, and as we all know when you joke about things like that, there really is something in you that reflects that … either way, I do NOT tolerate that shit.)
The guys were pumped at that point. I made them do one of those Saved by the Bell 1990 style group jump high 5s and awayyyyyyyyyy we went upstairs to the bar.
I broke it all down for the guys. I said at first, I don’t want you thinking about opening any “sets” as Neil calls it – I just want you to go up to 3 people, male or female, and offer them a compliment then walk away. I wanted to get them comfortable even talking to people before even thinking about approaching women.
Dudes, all I have to say is that these guys ROCCKKKKKEEEEEEEDDDDD ITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!
Once I gave them a little nudge, BOOOOMMMMMM!!!! They were good. I had to catch them a few times and say okay, you’ve been here for too long – go circulate. Every guy was different. But fortunately because I, myself, am so fucking socially awkward (particularly at bars) I was able to spot in 2 seconds their BS and say – NOPE! Go here! Do this!!! They were like, I can’t! I said, can’t is not an option. We’re going to break this down for you into doable actions. First, you are going to take 20 steps. Second, you are going to sit down on the corner of that couch. Third, you are going to open your mouth say that you have to get back to your friend over there (cue the wave to me), but you had this question you needed an opinion on. Fourth, you are going to thank them, smile, and walk back to me.
Dudes, I got these guys who had expressed SUCH tremendous fear of dancing groovin on the dance floor to OPP with me!!! HAHAHA, I was bustin a move and shakin my polaroid picture like it was mah JOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBB!!!!
All of the guys kept thanking me for pushing them, and two even said this was the greatest night of their life. I said yeah man, welcome to life!!! It’s pretty fucking awesome right?!?!
I kept explaining to them that their awesome was organic and that their only job in life was to let it shine! I said, we already left all of that baggage and self deprecating shit at the door – now it’s your time to shine baby!!
OMG OMG OMG and shine they did. One dude in particular just OWNNNEEEDDD the place!!! He was so afraid even approaching women assuming they instantly were thinking something negative about him, but MAN he improved the most. I kept saying to him, you’re fucking glowing man! Go! Stop talking to me! This glow is contagious – go spread it!!!!
Something clicked in me Saturday night. I found a calling when I created this website clearly … but I really really really found a calling in helping these dudes. I am an AWESOME wing girl, and it was great for me too because there I was all hottie patottie at a bar, sipping on water with a lime, and I was approached by SOOOOOOOO many dudes!!!
I stopped thinking and being so neurotic and just had a BLAST, and BAMMMMMMMMMMMMM haha it was partially overwhelming. I was like wow, I forgot how it felt to feel hot again. These dudes too made me feel like such a pretty pretty princess. They were so complimentary from a truthful organic place, and were so vulnerable with the questions they asked – totally life changing, and totally changed my view on men in general. I had NOOOOOOOOOO idea you all thought about this shit too, and it’s TOTALLLYYYYYYY going to change my approach in my current social experiment.
In FACT, I may even go out tonight to prove that … omg omg omg I am getting so jazzed even reliving that night writing this post.
I over think everything. That is my personality – I’m a connector, and I’m a mechanic. I enjoy connecting people (hence our official hashtag #nerdsunite), and I enjoy breaking situations down to figure out how they work, and how they can be more efficient. I can’t do that when it comes to dudes. I can’t sit there at a bar and analyze a dudes personality and think okay, this is how he is with this … this is how I am with that … you have to just let this shit happen, man. But you can’t say that to someone like me, because I’ll sit there and go, bahhhhhhhhhhh you don’t know what you’re talking about. No, I need to take a dose of my own medicine and re-evaluate because clearly what I am doing is not the most efficient manner.
These guys taught me so much. So. So. So. Much. The growth in them socially was HUUGGEEEE and I was such a proud mama and felt so emotionally invested in these dudes. When all was said and done, I just could not have been happier.
We are ALL neurotic, self conscious, and whackadoodle noodles. SO WHATTTT!!!! That is a CONSTANT!!! That is the human condition!!!! MOVE ON!!! We are all SUCH insular beings, that it just doesn’t fucking matter. No one is sitting there in judgement of you because they are prolly too concerned with all the shit going on in their own noggin. SO WHAT ELSE IS STOPPING YOU FROM LIVING THE LIFE YOU WANT TO LEAD!?!?!?! Go up to these women!!! We’re sitting there EQUALLY neurotic questioning why the fuck no one is approaching.
UGHHHHHHHHH!!! AMAZEBALLS ON AN ENTIRELY NEW LEVEL!!!
Dudes, look at the email I got the next morning from one of the guys not even in my group – but someone who saw what I was doing with the group …
Way to make my life.
K … so Saturday was amazing. I learned from Neil that all The Game is, is a tool. If someone chooses to do something negatively with it – awesome, so it is, and let them be, but they’re the exception not the rule.
It also got me thinking about even the concept of a negative experience. So yeah, I had my heart broken – but so what. I can’t ever be “right” in this situation no matter how HAARRRDDD I want to be. It’s not going to happen, and closure is a joke. I then thought about it like this … so you get burned by the stove as a kid. You didn’t sit there and say, fuck you stove! How dare you do this to me!!! I’m going to get you?!?!?!!?!?!
Well, maybe some kids do. But I got burned as a kid, and then I learned – OUCH! That was hot. Totally not gonna do that again, and I moved on.
Obviously there are emotional connections when it comes to love that cannot clearly be so cut and dry, but I dunno – maybe they can. It is only my ego that wants to be right in this situation, but no matter what, there never is a winner. So why am I beating myself up over it? I got burned. The flame wasn’t wrong, the flame was just being the flame. I, however, can make a conscious decision to say, okay, what in me wants to put my hand on the stove. What in me, wants to feel that pain. THAT is something that needs to be addressed not trying to say to the flame, cool down motha fucka! Not gonna happen. At all.
Life is bat shit, man. UGH! But I just keep wanting more.
So then on Sunday, I got invited to a Summit Series brunch.
Holy hell batman. Talk about one of the most overwhelming in every awesome way experiences of my life. I energetically felt “home” for lack of a better word. I now truly understand what people say when they tell me I am a very “intense” person … dudes, I was at a party with 100 equally “intense” people.
I honestly don’t want to talk a lot about what I experienced there as it was something that was very special to me – but I can say that meeting that many intense people in that short of a span of time almost totally knocked me on my ass. I’m just not used to that … at ALL. There is not a SHADOW of a doubt that these people are going to change the world … and WOW how fucking overwhelming that my energy is currently aligned with them. So. So. So. Humbling. They’re total rockstars.
HAHHAHA it was funny though, I am only social in settings because it was a survival skill I learned as a kid. I am organically pretty introverted. I enjoy talking to people, but I get weird after a little bit and my ADD kicks in and just wants to explore how blue the sky is. I can’t help that part about myself … but it just got INSANE meeting THAT many intense people, vibing with their energy, and then going oh holy fuck, your name is what? Wait did I ask what you do? OMG – overload.
It was intense, insane, and amazing all in the same breath. I am very very very grateful for communities like the Summit Series to even be in existence. They’re all such connectors too … wow. wow. wow. Great things coming soon world. Holy moly ravioli.
So yeah, that was my weekend. Very intense to say the least, but I couldn’t have been more grateful.
It trips me out that life is not at ALL what I thought it was. Reality really is perceived, so if you’re in a negative state in any capacity … and I REALLY mean this … no. matter. what. – you are doing life wrong. You owe it to yourself to find your awesome and let it shine, because holy hell batman, the experiences that are derived from that will blow your socks off.
All my love and all my heart TNTML! Such an eye opening weekend.
PS. For reals, if you were at the conference this weekend I wanna talk to you!! I am TOTALLY invested emotionally in your story now … and I wanna keep in touch!! SERIOUSLY!!!
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Hunt me down in a grocery store … I don’t care. You guys made something click inside of me, and that is something I am going to hold onto forever. So please please please reach out, you never bother me. And I totes wanna be invited to the weddings, btw!!! =) =) =) xoxoxoxxoxxoxo