#RealDeal: What To Do When You Are Incompatible

Talk Nerdy To Me’s @StaffWriter:

The most common reason for the ending of a relationship is incompatibility. 

This doesn’t mean that you can’t get along or share the same house—it means that your fundamental needs and goals in life are different and divide you. 

One of you wants to work while the other wants to stay home. One of you wants children early while the other feels they aren’t financially or emotionally ready. One of you wants to live by a strict religious practice while the other is an atheist. 

These situations may seem obvious, but when two people get into a relationship, they tend to think more about how much they like each other than whether their similarities or differences will cause problems down the road. 

Sometimes this works out fine on its own, but some key incompatibilities can derail even the best of intentions.

What do you do when you are incompatible?

Talk It Out

Many incompatibilities can be worked through, but you have to talk about them first. 

If one of your goals is more important than the other’s, then it makes sense that you do what is needed to reach that goal even if it means breaking up with your partner.

For example, if children are important to you and you want them before your partner does, you should either compromise on having kids or break up. 

You cannot expect everyone to put aside their desires for the sake of the relationship. This will make both people feel disrespected. 

If possible, talk between yourselves rather than discussing things with friends or family members who aren’t in the relationship and might not know all its intricacies.

Don’t Use the Relationship as a Bargaining Chip

Don’t use your relationship as a bargaining chip with your partner’s family, friends, or other obligations. 

If you want him to stop seeing his family members because they are toxic or hurtful, don’t threaten to break up if he doesn’t agree. 

If something is very important to you and your partner isn’t willing to try to work on the problem, then it’s time for a serious talk. This can be difficult, so first ask yourself if all the relationship problems stem from this one incompatibility.

Don’t be tempted into thinking that everything will work out fine after you resolve this issue. Your other problems may have been hidden only because they didn’t affect your daily life as much as this disagreement did.

Remember, these things rarely solve themselves on their own–you must do whatever it takes to reach a mutually satisfying agreement with your significant other.

Prioritize Your Differences

There are different levels of incompatible. It’s important to know how much your incompatibilities matter and if they are deal-breakers. 

If one person just wants to be friends while the other expects a serious, committed relationship, then that’s totally fine. 

On the other hand, if one of you doesn’t want children and the other does, this might not work out so well in the long run. You don’t have to break up because of this difference alone—just keep it in mind during your discussions.

Don’t use your differences as excuses for personal attacks or blame games—treating them like they are insurmountable is disrespectful and may make you feel like you don’t get along when there might actually be more to gain by working together on these problems than by giving up altogether.

Understand Your Situation

No two people are exactly alike, and no two relationships are exactly alike. 

Incompatibilities can be brought up at the beginning of a relationship, but sometimes it’s better to look at them later when there is more information about your prospects for working together on these issues.

People change over time, and couples’ interests and values develop over time too. It’s possible that you might not know one another well enough yet to see whether you can work through these incompatible parts of your relationship. 

If you’ve been together long enough and want to take the next step in terms of commitment, then discuss how you will handle future challenges caused by incompatibility.

Discuss Expectations

Some people get into relationships with unrealistic expectations because they feel insecure about themselves. 

Compatibility issues can be frightening, but they are much easier to deal with if you know what you’re getting into before you start down the road of commitment.  

If there is anything that stands between you and your happiness together, then it’s better to learn this now than after college graduation or kids arrive.

Compatibility isn’t everything, so don’t let differences be an excuse for giving up on someone you care about. It’s possible to work through nearly any obstacle as long as both partners are willing to put in the effort. 

The people who develop lasting relationships learn how to meet each other halfway no matter how different they initially were because compatibility does not end when a relationship begins. It only develops

Go Over Alternatives

If you don’t want to work through your incompatibilities, then it’s time to investigate other relationship options.

Not everyone gets along 100% of the time, so it’s okay if you disagree about some things—just not all things. When there are important issues affecting both of you that you cannot fix together, then maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you.

Remember that relationships are supposed to be fun, productive places where people grow closer together, not further apart. 

If you’re looking for love and have found it with someone incompatible, then don’t just sit there. Do whatever it takes to get this situation fixed so that your relationship can reach its full resolution.

Get Professional Help (Optional)

If you’ve tried to work through your incompatibilities yourselves but keep finding yourselves talking in circles, don’t be afraid to get professional help. 

You can go to a therapist together or alone (if that is what your partner would prefer). 

Just remember that the point of therapy is not for you to convince your partner that he or she should feel and think like you do. That will only make your relationship worse and harder to fix.

The point of therapy is for you and your partner to work on understanding each other’s points of view and developing new solutions together. 

While this may seem impossible at first, once both people open themselves up enough to their significant other’s perspective, it becomes clear that many of these differences aren’t so insurmountable after all.

So don’t give up on your relationship just because you had differing opinions at first—that is what makes relationships interesting and worth pursuing in the long run.