#TrueStory: The dude from the @ParisHilton sex tape totally wanted to bone

I’ve lived in LA for 7 years. Needless to say I have collected some really gnarly stories. Here’s one of my favorites from one night at Villa.

Picture it … Hollywood … 2008.

Villa was one of the hottest clubs at the time. Forgive me for not knowing if it is still hot – I hung up those dancing shoes in favor of vans years ago.

Villa was one of my favorite clubs. It was posh and exclusive enough to appease my insecurities while actually retaining appropriate levels of awesome. I had gone out dancing that night with my neighbor buddy Katie – and ommmmmgggggg it was epic.

We hit the dance floor all night, and somehow managed to get in the VIP area with Nicky Hilton’s BF David Katzenberg. Yeah, no idea if they are still dating – but the dude is HOOOTTT!!!

After bumping and grinding and shaking it like a polaroid picture for about an hour, I got SUPPERRR thirsty. I went to go leave and get a drink, but David stops me and hands me a bottle of champagne.

Yep. A bottle of champagne. Not a glass – the entire bottle. And it was Dom Perignon which at a club like that would retail for AT LEAST a couple of grand.

Here! He goes handing me the bottle. I’m sorry I don’t have any glasses, but I’m sure you can figure that part out.

I stare at Katie in shock. Is he SERIOUSLY handing me a bottle of Dom???

Thank you!!!! We say in stereo as we proceed to go to town.

OMG OMG OMG OMG did that just happen? I squeal.

YES!!!! She screams.

We continued dancing with the bottle throughout the night getting progressively drunker and drunker to the point that I was so sch-wasted I took this picture …

Really Jen? What’s with the wonky right eye and where the hell are you looking???

I have no idea what is going on … clearly.

The night turns to early morning, and the club starts to close down.

We pick our tired feet up from the dance floor and proceed to walk out. As I’m RIIIGGHHHTTTT about to step outside the club, this guy grabs my arm. I look up and it’s Rick Salomon from the Paris Hilton sex tape (WHICH I have seen spank you very much!).

Wanna fuck? He says

Me being me, but definitely drunk – turn to him without skipping a beat and say, no thank you. I’ve seen your penis.

His friend pipes in and says – that was just the tip!

I look Rick dead in the eye and say, no baby, it was the WHOLLLLEEEEE thing.

His group of guy friends all turned around and screamed loudly, OOOHHHH SHIIITTTT!!!

Then, I went home to cuddle with my dog and a week later on the other end of the penis size spectrum I got this voicemail from Ron Jeremy …

Oh LA, you are so weird, so random, and so fucking fabulous!!!

#thatisall

Click here to see the Facebook pic I posted in real time