#Talknerdytomelover’s Shabana Malone
Okay, so I have a theory about pretty boys: They don’t want to be pretty. This is, in part, because they get shit from their ugly, hater-rific friends for getting all the action, so they try to ugly up to gain street cred. Uglies will do whatever they can to bring down a pretty. They’re just jealous that pretty boys just have to stand there to get ass. Sometimes pretty boys just lop off their goldi-locks and get tatted up, a la Justin Timberlake or David Beckham, and then they are accepted by many more of their peers. JT shaved his head, grew his hair back, bet never again rocked the frosted geri curl. That and the fact that he ditched the boy band and banged A-list chicks got him endless street cred.
But sometimes, pretty boys go to great lengths to reject their God-given beauty. I don’t know if it’s because they want to appear more masculine or are sick of the treatment that goes along with being a pin-up, but it really fucking annoys me. You’re gorgeous! Own it! Use it! Take a cue from JT. He’s sexy, he knows it, and he claps his hands.
Note: I am not talking about gaining or losing weight for a role and then slimming down to original hotness, like Christian Bale. That’s called devotion to your craft. I’m talking about never taking pretty boy roles or trying to be ugly or weird to seem badass.
1. Johnny Depp: Okay, ya’ll know this one is true. He got a liiiitle objectified on 21 Jump Street and ever since then he’s been trying to shed his pretty boy image. He has openly expressed his discomfort with being viewed as a piece of meat, and we get it. Aside from roles like the one in ‘Cry-Baby’ (in which he spoofed the heart throb image), and ‘Don Juan DeMarco’, most of his roles have been, well, weird. He will put cutting utensils on his hands, wear a fiery orange wig, or eye liner and a scraggly beard if it means not having to be a hot leading man. I still love him, but damn! Just show us your chiseled abs and stunning features once in a while! Show off those amazing genes God gave you.
2. Jared Leto: Any girl around my age knows that Jordan Catalano, not Jared Leto, was one of the hottest things in the world. That hair, that jacket, that black string around his neck, the way he leaned…(sigh). Jared Leto was never as hot as when he was Jordan Catalano. He played dim-witted indifference to perfection! And ever since then he went all rocker on us, wearing eyeliner and black nail polish. Now he has that dirty-hot emo hipster sexiness, but it’s not the same. I’m not counting the weight gain for ‘Chapter 27’ (see above). But seeing him getting his face beat in in ‘Fight Club’ was a little traumatizing for me. Bring back Jordan Catalano! I miss him! Even though he couldn’t read.
3. Brad Pitt: Yes, I know he’s the sexiest man alive and it’s pretty difficult for him to be otherwise, but he sure has tried. Remember when he had that really long hair and Jesus beard? He kinda looked like a really hot homeless man. Remember ’12 Monkeys’ when he had that wonky eye? No one wants to see that! And lately he’s sporting black hair and a gray beard! Come on, Brad, I know it gets tiring being that hot, but your baby mama’s last name is french for “pretty”. It’s your destiny. You’re a Golden God.
4. Vince Vaughn: He was really only hot in one movie, as far as I’m concerned, maybe two if you count ‘Rudy’. But he was pretty fucking hot in ‘Swingers’. Let’s face it. He was a pretty boy. And I dunno if he wanted to be “funny guy” instead of “pretty boy” so he could pal around with Luke Wilson, or if he just couldn’t control the alcohol bloat…all I know is he ain’t pretty no mo!
5. Brendan Fraser: Remember when he was hot? In ‘School Ties’ playing a hot Jew and naked fighting with Matt Damon in the shower (see my girl porn post); In ‘Encino Man’ grunting and being a cro-mag hottie; in ‘George of the Jungle’ being all kinds of ripped and running around with only a loin cloth on. Those were the days. I think he took the monkey business too far. Literally! It seems like every movie after that was about monkeys or animals or some such nonsense. He says he does those movies for his kids, but did he have to get fat and unattractive? Less talking, more benching, funny man.
In sum, I have dated actors I had crushes on in earlier years who have really let their looks go, and if it weren’t for the fact that my vision is distorted (when I look at them I see how they looked on televsion), they probably wouldn’t get any. The last actor I dated used to look like a porcelain doll until he started overeating, smoking weed everyday and not doing shit else. Now he’s kinda fat, when he used to play the popular boy on TV. And he’s not even 30! So sad.
I’ve also dated male models who have so much contempt for the attribute that earns them a living. One of them who had a gorgeous face, amazing blue eyes and soft blond hair wanted to grow a beard and dread locks and be a hippie. And you’ve seen the guys with gorgeous faces who either shave their heads and tat up their necks or grow ridiculously long and grimey beards. I don’t get it.