Oh man, this story is funny, and I’d be lying if I said it only happened once.
My biggest take away from this life experience …
is that sex toys should come with …
a rating on whether they are TSA compliant or not.
In both cases mine were technically compliant, but did cause a pause for extra screening.
The TSA agent clearly didn’t understand what it was …
and definitely not where it went.
I went back east this holiday season and part of my packing priority includes my ::buzz buzz buzz:: of an animal that has no fur. 99% of women reading this will know what this is, but for the men who might not, this is called a Rabbit.
The Rabbit was popularized in Sex and The City Season One Episode 9 “Turtle and the Hare” (1998). Miranda discovers the ultimate vibrator aka The Rabbit … which is amazing because I feel like Miranda never discovered anything of interest (particularly not her fashion) on the show. https://www.youtube.com/embed/OkvEephr9dk?wmode=opaque
<tangent> Being the age now that the characters are, I’m kind of amazed at that clip. I got my first pocket rocket (aka a vibrator just for the clit no insertion) when I was 22.
My first boyfriend had an aunt who ::surprise:: sold sex toys.
Instead of being weirded out by her ::surprise:: Happy Thanksgiving day gift, I instead (curiously) put it to use.
The relationship ended eight months later.
Totally unrelated to the vibrator. Kinda. </tangent>
I have a couple different dildos but the Rabbit is my go-to. It’s the wham, bam, thank you ma’am that gets in, gets you off, and lets you get on with your life.
I packed my backpack as usual, nuzzling the Rabbit in a sweater somewhere near the top, remembering first to remove the battery pack. The next morning, I arrived at LAX a full two hours ahead of my flight to allow for extra backup with holiday travel.
As I stood in line I thought back to the time I got caught with a dildo at LAX.
(This part is very true. All of it is obviously – I’m not creative enough to make this shit up.)
I laughed thinking back to how naive I was in terms of traveling to not remember to take out the battery pack. You can read the original post here.
That time in particular, I had simply forgotten, but after having countless vibrating toothbrushes ::buzz:: in my bag, I considered it a cardinal rule to make sure that anything with batteries shall be removed beforehand.
The TSA agent back in 2011 was female and quite lovely. The dildo on the screen looked exactly like that one (I’m assuming) that she uses, so instead of requiring any sort of search she quietly leaned over and whispered “just so you know, take out the batteries next time and you won’t be stopped. When the batteries are left in it sets off an alert on our screen.”
She then winked and smiled wishing me a safe flight.
Is a dildo angel “a thing?” If not it should be.
I passed through security no problem (remembering to remove that little piece of paper that is always in my pocket), placed my hat back on, and walked over to grab my bag – noticing that it had been pulled to the “additional screening” conveyer belt.
Thinking nothing of it, I walked over to the table admitting that this was my bag.
“Is this your bag?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said, noticing that he did not hear me.
If an animal played this man in a movie, it would be a sloth. I’m sure he’s a lovely lovely person to his mother … sisters … he’s the kind of uncle who always remembers to send you $20 in a birthday card (and you have no idea which uncle he is but you spend the cash anyway).
“Is … there … anything … sharp … in … here?” sloth asked s.l.o.w.l.y.
“No” I said, my eyes darting over to his screen remembering the only thing remotely “sharp looking” would be the Rabbit.
Here we go again I thought …
processing that the sloth was going to s.l.o.w.l.y. open up my bag …
have to find and take out the hairless animal.
Did I mention all of the other passengers …
that were just casually traveling for the holidays …
MOST OF WHOM HAD CHILDREN …
By the time he began unzipping (this was only as far as he had gotten at this point), I paused him.
“Sir, I would like to go to the additional screening room,” I said loudly.
One, because I’m pretty certain he was hard of hearing and two, because I wanted to be firm.
He looked confused at my request.
“This isn’t for me,” I explained. “It’s for you.”
Confused, he fulfilled the request alerting a female agent and pointed over to the side room (which thankfully was empty because his walk alone was going to take an ungodly amount of time).
<tangent> I happen to LOVE sloths so please let me pause for a moment with EXCITEMENT! Please tell me you have all seen this video … https://www.youtube.com/embed/t5jw3T3Jy70?wmode=opaque
Alrite, getting back to the post. </tangent>
The female agent arrived moments later. She also looked confused as to why we were in the private room.
I clued her in by saying “I asked for the private room for his protection not mine.”
Still confused, we both placed our backs up against the wall as he put on the blue rubber gloves. (This is only as far as he had gotten at this point.)
Oh yeah, and did I mention that the hat I was wearing said 747?
It’s from Burning Man. I’m not an actual pilot but based on their expressions I might play one on TV one day.
He then unwrapped the Rabbit from my sweater, placing his index fingers on the head and base. He began examining it as if it was some sort of ancient artifact.
I’m not sure what confused him, the part that looked like a penis or the extra extension that looked like ears made for clitoral stimulation.
“Oh yeah, you needed the private room” the female agent said putting a …
on the exchange.
I smiled with an intense amount of pride as I grabbed the Rabbit back from the sloth and re-nuzzled it into its little hole.
Look at that, here I was simply taking care of my own holes and I wound up taking a man down a Rabbit hole he had yet to experience.
I’d be lying if I said this was the first time.
Wonder what would have happened if he had found the others (that were hidden deeper).
I’m serious on that … I really did have others.
Note to nerds: Don’t travel with a sex toy that has metal. The beads in the Rabbit are what set off the alarm.
Oh! And speaking of ::buzz::-ing … I spent NYE with BUZZ ALDRIN!!! I have the exact same face in 10 different photos, and in this one I might have actually peed myself.
Maybe my next toy should be one that works on kegel muscles.
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