What a really gnarly week this has been. For reals, obviously getting your heart broken never feels good, but this sort of re-birth and awakening upon further analysis has been SPECTACULAR.
I only cried yesterday for 15 minutes!! MASSIVE improvement from all day Sunday when I was still reminding myself to inhale and exhale.
I’ve said this before, I’ll say it again – this site is such a blessing and curse. Blessing in the fact that the second I tell guys I’m back “on the prowl” I have a rebound rate of less than 24 hours, and a curse in that I have to filter out the guys that I date and check out their intentions. It’s HORRIBLE being manipulated by a dude who is just trying to become a “character” in your story. Those dudes just want to be written about to appease their own ego and they ALWAYS end up totally hurting me. I get played like a freaking violin!! I have a bullshit meter like no other, and I do throw a few “tests” in but it’s still hard documenting your life in real time and not have the outcome manipulated.
<tangent> Even in some of the emails people were sending me yesterday, they kept asking how all of this was even real … I’m like chiiiilllllldddddd the truth is SO much stranger than fiction. Yes, all of my stories are 100% truthful with many many many witnesses, location based social media checkins, etc. I’m just ferociously conscious about only dictating my personal experience and my personal opinion within all of the experiences. Just because I choose to make my private life public doesn’t mean that everyone in my life is comfortable with that as well. </tangent>
I have to say though in general, I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud of myself at handling heartbreak. I keep checking my emotions to make sure that I’m not just suppressing them and I genuinely feel pretty good about things. I can’t stop thinking about him obvi, but I think it’s easier knowing that we are at least going to stay good friends, and knowing that he’s still in my corner if I need anything. Like I said yesterday, I’ve NEVER felt so protected and intellectually stimulated by someone. Again, I don’t say that to sound elitist but my brain fires off on all cylinders all day every day. I genuinely don’t MEAN to run circles around guys, but I can’t help it – it’s who I am and how my brain works and to deny that is to deny a big part of who I am.
I catch myself periodically thinking though that “love conquers all” but I’m not sure how healthy that statement is. IMHO, based on what I’ve learned about consciousness and self awareness in the last almost 3 years, if you truly had selfless love and no attachment – you should have no problem understanding that sometimes things just aren’t going to work out.
Look at mine and Antonio’s positions from a logical perspective:
1) 27 almost 28 year old girl. New business owner. New Media Personality/ Lifecaster. Public. Wants to get married. Wants to have kids.
2) 46. Nearing the end of his career. Very private. Already been married. Doesn’t want kids.
What in those two sentences matches up? The only thing Antonio and I had in common was this crazy passion for one another and the fact that we’re both uber smart. Literally … nothing else. How can I speak my own personal truth and he speak his when we have such a limiting common denominator? Sure Disney, Hallmark and all other means of commercialized versions of love want us to believe otherwise – but how can you still speak your personal truth (which is the key to true happiness) when it differs so much from someone else? I know that love requires a compromise, but where is the line between a healthy compromise and a deal breaker? If someone doesn’t want kids they shouldn’t be forced to have them but for Antonio to make me happy I’d have to have his baby.
How is that okay for him and his personal truth? Doesn’t make sense, right?
The root of the pain in this heartbreak came from expectation. I EXPECTED to have those things with Antonio based on my feelings for him. Because we were both so alarmingly transparent with each other from our very first date he quickly realized that our truths didn’t match so rather than string me along he did an act of selfless love and just set me free.
Now with NEWER expectations set (a friendship), I can now focus on that and enjoying our time together and not trying to analyze him and figure out what the future would hold. The future is now!!!! Life is happening in the now.
You have an obligation to show up for your own life every day and live it in as truthful of a manner to yourself as possible.
This goes for friendships, relationships, family dynamic – EVERYTHING!!!!
THAT is the root of the human experience!!!
Do you have any idea how much I would have resented Antonio if he strung me along for years and years? I love the guy SO FREAKING MUCH and I’m SO FREAKING LOYAL he never evveerrrrr would have been able to shake me.
We want to grasp onto these guys that we have these feelings for, but why? Those feelings are only rooted in emotional recognition (I learned this in the 103 dates in 9 months attracting only emotionally unavailable men), so what does that attachment and that wanting to grasp onto something say about us?
Where is the lack in me? What do I need to become more aware of?
Time to head back to the Modern Day Shaman @realityadjacent!!
On that note, tonight I’m meeting up with my old neighbor who took me to work for my one shift at the strip club. Remember when my tires got slashed right before my shift as a cocktail waitress? Yep, true story. (read here) He randomly friended me on Facebook this week and when I saw the name I was like I know this guy … I know this guy … HOLY SHIT!! I haven’t seen him in over 4 years.
And then on THURSDAY I’m headed to VEGAS for just the night for a date!! Unlike Antonio, this isn’t a date starting in LA and ending up in Vegas, this is just a guy that asked me out and I said yes (once I knew I’d have my own hotel room). I wasn’t going to have any dates this week to give myself enough time to process things, but might as well just get back up with a bang.
I’m done with casual sex, I’m done with all the BS – time to have some zen through the art of adventure (as @itsmejoolie says)!
Oh and one more thing …