From the Talk Nerdy To Me Archives …
I shot out of bed like a bullet this morning (which is rare considering I am the furthest thing from a morning person). It finally hit me that this week I am about to have a life experience that I have spent EIGHT YEARS preparing for …
What the executives are about to see is a 30-minute presentation.
The THOUSANDS of hours spent feeding my soul when my bank account couldn’t feed my belly.
The HUNDREDS of meetings (most of which may or may not have started because of Tinder or OkCupid).
And the countless friends and life experiences that I hold so near and dear to my heart.
(Only twice during all of the adventures could I have questioned any sort of continuation to another level. Thank you Twitter here. I have to believe that good karma saved me in this story. Funny how now I consider riding along in a taxi cab in Vegas for two hours between 4 and 6 am super tame.)
Getting in the room to meet you?
That wasn’t luck.
That was work, and from my perspective I’ve executed my goal.
I’m in this exact moment able to enjoy my success.
I haven’t had that life experience before.
Now onto the post …
Back in May, I got asked to prom by my good buddy @smasherbrown. See Asher owns a studio in downtown, and when you have that life experience you throw parties.
Bring your best friend he said over email. You can both be my date, and make sure when someone asks you if you’re vegan you say “you’re considering it.”
Done, I emailed back as I set the calendar reminder.
See, I would date Asher in a hot minute if only we shared similar passions culinary wise. I am a massive, massive carnivore. Remember the #BJDiet? He is a massive, massive vegan. (Literally head of the YouTube Vegan mafia – which is actually “a thing.”) I utterly adore the human being, but fundamentally speaking we both draw a line, and I respect that.
Over the course of that week, my friends texted asking what I was doing, and I proudly announced that I had finally been asked to prom and couldn’t wait to go! (Here’s my previous prom experience that mirrored the movie Blockers.)
With a partial side eye questioning if I had entered cougar territory, I quickly explained that it was a Vegan Prom hosted by my good friend. “He owns a studio in downtown I said, and his parties are the best I’ve ever been to.” The declaration and guarantee of a good time was enough for my friends to ask if they could come too. “Of course! I said back, the more the merrier.”
I then sent out the Facebook invite link, and got texts back asking about the $90 price tag attached.
Let me see what I can do, I texted back not wanting to be a douchebag and assume that I could get everyone in for free.
See, the event was hosted by the Human League, and was technically a benefit.
Did I mention MOBY WAS THE MOTHER EFFING DJ?!?!?!
Not only was Moby part the soundtrack to my high school life experience, but he’s also featured in an Eminem song.
My friend is hosting a party and Moby is the DJ, I thought to myself recognizing that I was now ONE DEGREE away from one of the loves of my life.
… those loves include Eminem and Pitbull. Technically speaking Pitbull is my future baby daddy, and while I love him, I wouldn’t date Eminem as he speaks so ill of his exes. I find that very declasse.
<tangent> Holy crap!! As I grabbed this video to post, I also just recognized that Syrus (who I just matched with on Bumble) was ALSO in Eminem’s video for Without Me. I AM ONE DEGREE OF SEPARATION SQUARED!!!!https://www.youtube.com/embed/YVkUvmDQ3HY?wmode=opaque
Breathe Friel, deep breaths. Get back to your post …
As the week went on, my gfs and I planned our outfits. “I have the perfect dress for you,” said my bestie. “It’s a showstopper.”
DONE! I said knowing that as a woman one of the easiest ways to market yourself is to go above and beyond in the outfit department. Not only do I enjoy from a creative perspective being a complete weirdo, but I’ve made insane business connections over the years simply because I turned up and turned out.
Remember dancing on stage with Prince? That solely happened because I was in an owl animal hat.
An hour and some change before the event I grabbed the dress from my gf’s house as I confirmed for myself the fact that it was indeed a showstopper.
Holy crap, I said staring at the very shiny gold garment. We then got ready and as I called the uber, I was stopped by the building’s security guard.
“You look incredible,” he said.
“Thank you!! I’m going to prom!!” I said very excited.
<tangent> Nothing I do btw surprises our building’s security team.
I’ve previously left the building dressed as Katy Perry …
the Easter bunny (repurposed from Ralphie from a Christmas Story) …
a Lisa frank coloring book …
the monopoly man …
a snowman …
a “freelance charlie chaplin” (pants being optional) …
and (my personal favorite) an astronaut …
I then picked up my date as we trekked the hike from the hills to the heart of Los Angeles.
“Please tell me we’re not going to have to sit through a dinner or some sort of long talk,” she said.
Ehhhhhh … I thought but didn’t say as I quickly changed the subject.
We arrived shortly after the sun was beginning to set. See, I needed to make sure everyone that wanted to come could get in. (The price tag of the event being optional.) To do that, I needed to scope out the security detail (translation: I had to get there early and report back my findings). I purposefully did not give my name at the door (in case one of my friends needed to use my name).
“Hi, we’re here as Asher’s dates,” I said confidently and quickly.
Not a problem, she said walking us immediately into the studio and into the back room reading “VIP.”
Here’s his seat, she said pointing down at his name tag and plus one chair.
I paused for a moment wondering where I was going to get another chair as all of the place settings were taken. My gf looked down at the brochure for the evening, and confirmed that we were in fact going to sit through “a talk.”
NOOOOOOO!!! we both thought in horror.
Moments later, Asher arrived (tux in tow) saying we could put our bags in the back office.
“I have to do this thing first,” he said, “so why don’t you guys make yourselves comfortable in the other room. The doors open for everyone in an hour or so.”
My date and I looked at each other with pure glee recognizing that while yes, we were technically not invited into the VIP dinner, we were winning at life by not having to sit through a Sarah Mclaughlin style slideshow reminding us of what horrible human beings we are because we enjoy …
Immediately, we were off like a prom dress …
We then grabbed a drink as we moseyed on over to the DIY corsage table.
“I’ve never been happier to be kicked out of a VIP dinner,” we said cheersing.
One hour, two corsages, and three new besties (courtesy of our fabulous outfits) later, my friends began to arrive. I texted everyone that they had to get there early and if they didn’t, that was up to them, but I wasn’t going to be the person that spends half the evening waiting for people – I was actually going to enjoy myself.
I then quickly slid the loose wristband off and walked back outside. Pro tip: when a bouncer of any kind is putting on a wristband, explain to them you feel “claustrophobic” if it’s on too tight. When it’s loose, you can slide it right off your wrist and pass it to someone else. Before you pass it though, make sure you say “one second, I’ll be right back” to the security guard so they have a visual memory of you and you can reenter sans the band. It doesn’t work every time, but 9/10, you’re good.
Oh fuck, I thought noticing that the security detail changed entirely. What was a simple checklist was now a FULL line of people, a red carpet, press, and beefy looking security guards.
Well, I thought, the worst case scenario is that they’re going to have to either wait until after the dinner is over (and I can ask Asher to help get them in) or two, they’re going to have to pay at the door. I couldn’t control the fact that the atmospheric conditions changed, I could only make the best of what was given.
I befriended the (many) guards, as I said I had left something in my car and would be right back. I palm passed the band whispering “act as natural and confident as possible. Give my name at the door if you need to and text me if you have any problems.”
I then went back to the DIY corsage table, as I blankly stared at my gf saying that “I have no idea if anyone is going to get in. The ENTIRE security detail changed.”
“You’re doing the best you can,” she said.
“I’m also going to buy a series of bands in different colors. The majority of times they’re the same style, the color is the variable.”
“Wow,” she said, that’s really smart.
The new plan was noted as the first friend arrived inside. To my surprise it wasn’t the one that I had passed the wristband to.
“How did you get in?” I asked.
“I just walked in and wasn’t stopped.”
Fuck yes, I thought, full faith in fun returned.
Let’s dance, said my gf as we opened up the floor.
See, I can’t be friends with people who don’t make fun a priority. When I say we opened up the dance floor, I actuallymean it …
We’re just here to get weird.
A few songs, arm flaling and a handful of hip thrusts later, more friends began to join. Relieved that everyone was getting in, I wandered off to relieve my own self by using the restroom. En route, I was stopped by an old friend.
JEN FRIEL, she said excited. I have something for you … I looked down and saw a tiny mint case and a series of pills. “Want some Molly?” she asked. I took a moment considering my own condition. I was a glass of wine in, and as long as I immediately switch to water, I should be fine, I thought. (As you never want to mix molly with alcohol or you run the risk of becoming too dehydrated.)
<tangent> Bumping into someone btw and being offered something like drugs is a totally normal life experience if you are a blogger and openly talk about your explorations. I happened to very much trust this person, which you should also take into consideration (obviously). </tangent>
Yes, I said, without skipping another beat.
“We have to go over here,” she said pointing behind the stage (the event was a couple hundred people deep at this point and while at first it seemed illogical, she was actually right as it was one of the only places with privacy).
Moby took the his place onstage as we entered directly behind him.
She opened up her pillbox again (hehehe) as I looked down at the Molly and over to Moby. This is actually happening, Friel.