Yep, two F-bombs in one headline. This is how irate I am over this post.
First off … this article has been sent to me LITERALLY all day today, and through a couple of tweets yesterday. (Thanks nerderinos for the emails!!) I read it on my Droid Charge while off on my adventures, but when I sat down with it in whole over dinner – I just got fucking angry.
Here is the post I will be responding to … Go read it first, and get back to me. It’s totes cool, I’ll twiddle my thumbs. Doopdee doo … lah dee dah. You back? Super duper awesome sauce.
I would like to address this line by line, or as close to as possible as there are SOOOOOOOOOO many things in this article that just miff my muffin.
Look at the VERY FIRST line in the article: This story sounds mean. It’s about a girl judging a boy because he’s a nerd (like so many of us!) that she met on OkCupid.
SCUSE PLEASE!!! This line ALONE speaks volumes. Um, you do realize this is Gizmodo, right? Where like nerd boys go … are you fucking kidding me???
Earlier this month, I came home drunk and made an OKCupid profile. What the hell, I thought. I’m busy, I’m single, and everybody’s doing it. Sure, I’d heard some stories, but what was the worst that could happen?
Okay, I admit. It took a bit of arm pulling on my part as well to get on OKC. Not because of the preconceived notions with online dating – fuck that shit – but because I had my heart broken, and didn’t really even want to get back into dating.
Two weeks into my online dating experiment, OKCupid had broken me down. It was like the online equivalent to hanging out alone in a dark, date-rapey bar. Every time I signed on, I was hit by a barrage of creepy messages. “Dem gurl u so foine, iwud lik veru much for me nd u to be marry n procreate.” Or “your legs do look strong.”
Really?? OKC is the online equivalent to hanging out in a dark, date-rapey bar??? Well, let me quote statistics, because unlike you and whatever your little fucking experiment was, I have actual documentation of my findings – and they dispute what you have presented.
11 second dates.
6 I slept with.
4 guys “I wanted more from.”
Out of the 103, there were less than 5 that I wanted to actually walk out from. Really only 3 that I can think of – but I’m playing it safe by saying 5 in case I actually blocked a few out.
And the emails I have received – yes, some are out there … weird … whatever … but those men are merely responding to whatever is in my profile. 1 out of about every 20 will be some weirdo speaking cockney ebonics mixed with 70s jive, but that’s about it. Want to in fact see what guys have written me? Here, I screen shot 3 emails a week – you are more than welcome to read them at your leisure.
We met for a drink later that week. Jon was thin and tall, dressed in a hedge fund uniform with pale skin and pierced ears. We started talking about normal stuff—family, work, college. I told him my brother was a gamer. And then he casually mentioned that he played Magic: The Gathering when he was younger.
“Actually,” he paused. “I’m the world champion.”
Earlier this year, I briefly dated a Magic player. Not exclusively, and for a hot minute right around New Years. I actually didn’t meet him on OKC, I met him on set of a film back in like 2006. I asked him to explain the game to me one night – and he did, I was fascinated. I learned all about the decks that you have to create, and how difficult championships can be … this guy was no joke either. He put himself through college playing Magic. The only reason why I stopped seeing him was because he kept reminding me of my dad. Over and over he kept reminding me of the risks I was taking couch surfing, and in doing what I was doing with the launching of this site – I couldn’t take it. But dude, this guy is also a model, and fucking REDIC on the hotness scale. So lemme just throw that out there as well … he just so happened to play magic … which just so happened to put him through college … which when he explained the game to me just so happened to turn me on like a mofo at the amount of skills this dude must have to be able to play something so unbelievably complex.
I laughed. Oh that’s a funny joke! I thought. This guy is funny! But the earnest look on his face told me he wasn’t kidding.
I gulped my beer and thought about Magic, that strategic collectible card game involving wizards and spells and other detailed geekery. A long-forgotten fad, like pogs or something. But before I could dig deeper, we had to go. Jon had bought us tickets for a one-man show based on serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer’s life story. It was not a particularly romantic evening.
YOU ARE SITTING THERE WITH A WORLD CHAMPION AND YOU ARE MOCKING HIM TO HIS FACE?!?!?!?!? And dude, he takes you to see a one man show on Jeffrey Dahmer??!?!!? I WANT TO DATE THIS GUY!!!!!!!!!
The next day I Googled my date and a wealth of information flowed into my browser. A Wikipedia page! Competition videos! Fanboy forums comparing him to Chuck Norris! This guy isn’t just some professional who dabbled in card games at a tender age. He’s Jon motherfucking Finkel, the man who is so widely revered in the game of Magic that he’s been immortalized in his own playing card.
HOW DARE YOU REVEAL HIS NAME!!! Are you a FUCKING MORON!!!!!! Wait, do I even have to ask that question? Of course you are. You are sitting there with the Magic world champion and instead of realizing this is an interesting and unique opportunity to pick his brain you are merely judging him by your own pre-conceived notion of what is “cool” and what isn’t which is blanketed knee deep in fucking stupidity.
YOU CHOSE OKCUPID!!!!!!!!!!!! THE NERDIEST DATING WEBSITE EVERRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING YOU WERE GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!
Just like you’re obligated to mention you’re divorced or have a kid in your online profile, shouldn’t someone also be required to disclose any indisputably geeky world championship titles? But maybe it was a long time ago? We met for round two later that week.
Wait, HE met you for round two??? Now I genuinely feel sorry for this guy. If you didn’t have a “particularly romantic evening” in the first go round – why on EAARRRTHHHHH would you ever give it a round two. And why would HE even want to be a part of that with someone who is clearly so UNBELIEVABLY disrespectful?? Fail on both of your parts for that one!!!
At dinner I got straight down to it. Did he still play? “Yes.” Strike one. How often? “I’m preparing for a tournament this weekend.” Strike two. Who did he hang out with? “I’ve met all my best friends through Magic.” Strike three. I smiled and nodded and listened. Eventually I even felt a little bit bad that I didn’t know shit about the game. Here was a guy who had dedicated a good chunk of his life to mastering Magic, on a date with a girl who can barely play Solitaire. This is what happens, I thought, when you leave things out of your online profile.
… I am literally running out of breath right now. I am not even kidding you my heart is pounding so hard … hold on, I’m verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. Topic: Would Vegas be what it is today if the US hadn’t banned American citizens from going to Havana?
Maybe I’m an OKCupid asshole for calling it that way. Maybe I’m shallow for not being able to see past Jon’s world title. I’ll own that. But there’s a larger point here: that judging people on shallow stuff is human nature; one person’s Magic is another person’s fingernail biting, or sports obsession, or verbal tic. No online dating profile in the world is comprehensive enough to highlight every person’s peccadillo, or anticipate the inane biases that each of us lugs around. There’s no snapshot in the world that can account for our snap judgments.
Thank god, you’re done. I don’t think I could have taken anymore. Stop breathing. Stop existing. Go back to your hole, and get the FUCK off of the internet you dumb dumb bitch.
I am FLOORED that Gizmodo DARE publish something like this. Seriously, from an editor to an editor – someone needs to be fired over this. I am INCREDIBLY picky over what appears on this site (and we are by NO means a Gizmodo) out of the sheer sensitivity of the nerdy community, and in FACT even when I DARED start publishing my OKC findings I consulted a dating coach to make sure people could actually BETTER themselves and it wasn’t just me here ripping dudes apart.
I am floored. (Not a nice hardwood or marble variety.) Just floored, and disgusted. This post belongs on a personal blog, not Gizmodo. I expected this from Techcrunch, but not you Gizmodo. You have lost a reader.
And Jon, if you are still on OKC after this, I would LOVE to go out on a date with you. I will be in NY on the 12-16th of September. Here’s my OKC profile. Hope to hear from you!! xoxo