#NerdsUnited: I got engaged during the apocalypse!
This life experience is SO “on brand” … it’s … it’s …
For the last twenty months, I have been happily and lovingly in a relationship that I didn’t talk about on this blog nor in social media. We have plenty of pictures posted together, and when I’d meet up with friends of the site, I’d tell them if they asked who I was dating … I had nothing to hide. (He’s the one referenced as my best friend in posts, because he actually is!)
I spent 10 years documenting life & specifically dating – I’m very proud of that fact.
I’m also a social scientist who tests different theories and questions I have about said life.
This was something that after 7,500 blog posts – I hadn’t done before … and who woulda thunk that it actually worked!
We got engaged on April 1st … which is not only April Fool’s day … but this year it’s April Fool’s day DURING THE APOCALYPSE ….
… AND … also our recently passed dog’s birthday.
You’re still the best boy ever Buster Brown!!! <3
We lost Buster Brown very suddenly earlier this year (the loss is still devastating). He was put down on my fiancee’s birthday, so since Buster bogarted his birthday, he decided to repay the favor by bogarting his!!
… but with love and not death!!
Speaking of doing something I haven’t tried before, this post is going to be written not just from my perspective, but from my fiancee’s as well.
Have you noticed I can’t stop using that word …
Wait, where are my manners …
Nerds, meet (lets call him) Jefe.
Jefe, (you can’t see them all) but you can thank all of these amazing nerds for their support in my journey to find you.
Isn’t he handsome? Handsome AND weird.
… that is a photo I took of him casually hanging out on a rooftop drinking a martini last week.
…. this is a photo he took of me (upon the realization that I accidentally matched the art deco decor).
… neither instances were costume parties … we just take life and having fun aggressively serious.
See this face? That is some seriously aggressive fun we are having.
These are three of my favorite photos from that day (they actually hang in our apartment).
I was walking out of the restroom @ the Frolic room & snapped Jefe’s album cover …
I styled the outfits and Buster & Jefe shared the lion’s mane at the punk version of the yellow brick road for our family photo …
Buster HATED me for these photos, but now thankfully, we can cherish them (as he’s no longer here).
Shut up already, onto the post.
Rules: Before writing this, I outlined a series of neutral questions about the engagement that we independently and then collectively answered. I wanted an honest piece on what this life experience was like from both perspectives.
Maestro … https://www.youtube.com/embed/bIZXs5WMxMA?wmode=opaque
Q: Did you always know you wanted to get married?
Jefe: Up until 40- then I determined I just wanted a partner and if marriage was a deal breaker for her then yes I’d happily agree.
Jen: “Yes, but marriage wasn’t a placeholder. I was happy when I was single. I was happy in my relationship. I am happy now that I’m engaged. I’m not someone who saw marriage as an achievement to unlock. I knew in 2018 (and spoke often of it in writing) I was at a place where I was ready to meet “the one.” (Which btw took eight years of self work – that two years later still hasn’t ended.)
What I didn’t know was that on said first date WITH THE ONE … I didn’t recognize him.
My report card back from our first date was “great guy not my guy” … but I’ll be his wing woman at parties!
Yeah, that also didn’t happen … BUT I DID MEAN IT!”
I’m a very intentional person and I REALLY DID MEET MY FUTURE HUSBAND FOUR MONTHS AFTER THIS WAS TAKEN!
Q: How did you know that this was the person you were ready to spend the rest of your life with?
Jefe:Simply it’s the ease. The ease at how we communicate, how we make love, how we laugh, how we adventure, how we surprise each other. In a word ‘ease’.
Jen: I’d agree with ease. It’s without a doubt the easiest relationship I’ve ever been in but I think that’s just because we are a blend of opposites attract meet similar morals and integrity. (We say “please and thank you” to each other at least 20 times a day. You’d be surprised how something so small actually isn’t.)
Jefe is an ENFP male and I’m an INTJ female. He didn’t take the test until a month or so ago, but we are THE DEFINITION OF SOUL MATES – it’s pretty awesome actually.
Here’s our compatibility chart …
Having this as the baseline was a plus, but in terms of the rest of our lives – it was one specific adventure.
In January 2019, we had gone to Joshua Tree with our friends and I saw how seriously he took not only the people he loves (and what those relationships mean to him), but also the characters he creates. He is HANDS DOWN one of the best impersonators I have ever seen/heard. He can develop a character on the spot that’s brilliant … it’s … complex … dynamic – AND HE COMMITS TO IT FOR THE ENTIRE DAY/EVENING.
The cab driver was so impressed with our outfits he asked for a picture. He said we were the “weirdest people in Yucca Valley” which is quite the accomplishment!His commitment to costumes, creativity and love was a serious panty dropper in whatever outfit this is that I’m wearing.
Q: What was it like waking up on April 1st?
Jefe: I was relatively calm, which gave me pause, but since I had to focus on logistics it helped keep my mind off what was about to happen.
Jen: I knew I was going to marry Jefe in January of 2019. Every day after that trip until April 1st of this year was held in some sort of surprise of “is he going to do it today?” Mind you, not like a psycho, but I knew what I knew, and if he had asked me to go to the courthouse the Monday after our trip – I would have said yes.
He realized how serious I was about four months later …. when I still wouldn’t shut up about it …. and instead of brushing it aside, he offered for us to get dressed up and go to an opulent setting where we would discuss our past, present, and future goals.
We then went to the Biltmore in downtown LA and laid our cards on the collective-soon-to-hopefully-be-married table.
We discussed our finances, children, and family dynamic from both a wish and “current state” perspective.
(It helps to have serious discussions in a neutral setting. Good or bad. When we have an argument we try the best we can to keep it outside of the house. Doesn’t always work, but we’re intentional about it.)
His suggestion was not only a terribly romantic thing that I suggest doing with your partner, but it also made things very clear in terms of what our future looks like.
As a strategist, I feel safe and secure when I understand where someone is coming from. I don’t want to have to think about all the other options, and if he was truly the man of his word that I knew he was, his actions would prove it.
In terms of marriage, I said, “I would like to be engaged before the end of the year and married next (meaning engaged in 2019 and married in 2020).”
He agreed, and in that moment, we accidentally unlocked another intimacy achievement.
There was a power not only in saying those words out loud, but knowing that they were heard. I’ve never said the sentence “I want to get engaged this year and married next.”
I knew we were similar, I just didn’t realize HOW similar until that moment – which made me feel even closer to the man I already knew I was going to marry.
Q: What were the logistics in executing the proposal? Did anything surprise you?
Jefe: First, making Jen think the whole day was her idea. I planted several seeds in the months leading up. I knew she’d want to celebrate Buster’s bday, I knew she’d think Griffith Park would be epic, I knew she’s been wanting to use the picnic backpack her brother gave her for Christmas. I knew that our favorite wine and cheese stop was still open (with social distancing) – so we were good.
What surprised me was that I kept thinking I needed to hide the champagne, to the point that I hid a bucket in my trunk days earlier- thinking I’d ice the champagne secretly in the trunk and sneak it to the picnic. After going to the pharmacy I was waiting in line at the sandwich shop and thought ‘crap I didn’t get ice at the pharmacy’ then thought- ‘wait a minute- the champagne can be to toast Buster’ this was my first hint that I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
Jen: On Buster’s last day, we gave him chocolate, took him to Griffith Park for one last stroll and a solid pee, and then sang (a very off key version of) “We Are Family.” Considering we were under a “stay at home order” (except for parks at this point), I knew it was a way we could honor someone who meant so much to both of us on his birthday, while also being safe. I had no other involvement in planning but I respect that he let me plan that part. Previously, I had also asked that before he proposes, he:
1) asks for my father’s permission
2) gets down on one knee (you’d be surprised how many people don’t because it hasn’t been communicated to them that that’s what their partner wants)
3) makes sure I have a manicure.
I wanted to be surprised in the proposal. I didn’t want to know, and I didn’t want to plan. I just had to trust and surrender which was BRUTALLY hard having the realization that this was the man that I was going to marry and waiting all those months later for it to happen on his terms.
I couldn’t “force” him into it, NOR WOULD I WANT TO!!!
<tangent> There are two honest questions you have to ask yourself as a dater:
1) Do you want to get married? 2) Do you want to have children? If the answer is yes, to one or either than you have your answer independent of anyone else. Some people don’t want to get married and don’t want kids. Totally understandable. I’m a breeder and I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t want kids and didn’t want to get married.
Loving this man and wanting to marry him also meant respecting his timeline and wishes (and again based on the wishes we outlined in our soon-to-hopefully-be-married-meeting).
Loving myself meant honoring those two desires and not letting go of that fact.
Let me repeat that for the boys in the back …
Loving myself meant honoring those two desires and not letting go of that fact.
I would have left him if he didn’t propose. I had a timeline in my head but FORTUNATELY IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!!! </tangent>
Q: How did the proposal happen?
Jefe: After setting up the picnic, we cheersed sparkling rose to Buster’s picture then I pretended to take photos of Jen, knowing full well I had to get her so stand up so I could get on one knee (per her request), and since she had her mickey ears on and appreciates my photography I knew she wouldn’t suspect a thing when I told her to stand so I could get her silhouette against the sunlight.
I had already placed the ring box in my hand and as soon as she stood up I said, shaking, “Will you Jennifer and Dorothy Friel marry me?”
Even during the proposal he not only proposed to Jennifer (my first name) but he also proposed to Dorothy (my middle name and also) my bitchy neuveau riche alter ego.
Jen: We arrived at Griffith Park shortly before 5:20 (the time Buster passed) and began setting up the picnic.
I could tell how nervous Jefe was, but I couldn’t figure out why.
I even asked on the car ride over, but didn’t push since everything in life feels tense right now.
He then poured two glasses of sparkling rose (my favorite) as we cheersed Buster.
He initiated the toast as we raised our glasses, “to Buster Brown for helping the love of my life learn to love.”
We then kissed as I thought that was terribly sweet.
Then without pause, breath, or even a sip of his champagne, he started taking pictures.
Here is what he shot …
The lighting happened to be pretty epic as it was golden hour.
He went in this half circle around me pretending to take more pictures but this was the last one he took …
You can see on my face I had no idea what he was doing.
I then heard him say, “can you please … stand … up …” in a language that sounded close to English but not the way I’ve heard anyone say it before.
Without thought, just focusing on how cool the ears looked with the shadow effect, I stood up and saw him down on one knee holding an open box I had never seen before.
Now, normally, this is where the girl puts her hand over her mouth and goes “OMG I AM SO SURPRISED.”
We’ve all seen the face …
