#NerdsUnite: The Goth Girl, The Hot Tub And The Naked Pig Hunting Cop

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Aaron … he’s a writer, and goth nerd. For reals, he’s got some crazzyyyyy ass stories from some of the peeps he’s met online, and is now here to share those crazy ass stories with you all. I only have one more thing left to say … HIT IT AARON!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover’s @aaronflux

In 1996, I was just discovering goth/industrial music.  In turn, I had started a fun little habit of dying my hair black, wearing dark clothing, and doing all the antisocial things that comes with the stereotype.  Well, maybe I was a bit antisocial before hand and that character trait helped guide me into this strange scene. At the time, though, it was the best decision for me.

One of the things about being antisocial, lonely, and goth on top of it, is it’s not too easy to meet people. Oh who am I kidding?  It ain’t easy to meet ladies.  It wasn’t for me, anyway.  Confidence, lacking and all. So what is a little goth boy to do in 1996 to attract ladies?  Go online to chat rooms on AOL and Prodigy, that’s what!  For you young folk, back in the 90s the internet was a different beast all together.  We had big clunky computers with slow processor speeds.  AOL and Prodigy were the two sources I used to dial up to the web. And from there, I hung out in chat rooms.  For hours.  In my bedroom.  I swear, if I met myself then now, I’d be punching myself straight into the balls and force myself to go the fuck outside and live a little.  

I met a good number of friends online and my fair share of crazy ladies.  One thing I didn’t realize back then was, much like myself, most people attracted to the goth scene were not the most put together.  But who gives a fuck, I was meeting some ladies.

Ladies who lived far from me.

And here’s where virgin 19 year old Aaron started having long distant online relationships.

There was one in particular who lived in San Francisco.  I really fell hard for this one.  I would take road trips as much as I could to go visit her while she was in college.  And then one fate full day, we had the sex. For a first time sex experience, self confidence lacking Aaron kept his spiffy white t-shirt on.  I still remember the shirt.  It was a shirt advertising the band My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult and I loved that shirt.  And then, the girl did the sex with me and bled all on the fucking shirt.  Yeah, she didn’t bother telling it was that special time of the month and in turn I thought sex was always this messy.  Oh and that smell….

Whatever, she soon dumped me and decided she was a lesbian.  Fucking San Francisco.

But alas, dear reader, this story isn’t about her.  It’s about the trip back home and the other “friend” I made online.  

Driving back to Los Angeles, I took the PCH and ended up visiting a high school friend at UCSB before trekking to my new friend’s apartment not that far away.  Since I don’t remember her name, let’s just call her Lucy.  Okay?  Alright.

Lucy was hot.  There’s no other way to put it. She looked a bit like Natalie Portman and Olivia Wilde. She was petite with porcelain skin and that sleek blue/black bob haircut all the goth girls seemed to sport at the time.  But she did it better.  Like Aeon Flux.  And she was smart.  And she was funny.  And…boobs. 

She offered a place to stay.  To “spend the night”.  Great, I just experienced sex and it was gross and now I get to spend the night with another hot goth girl.  Jack….pot?

We went record shopping.  She showed me around town.  I stared at her butt.  These are the details I remember leading up to the party.

Ah yes, the party.  I didn’t mention she also invited me to her friends’ party.  Ok, sure.  I’ll go along with you to a stranger’s house to a party where I only barely even know one person.  That’ll work out great.  So I went.  You would have gone too.

We hung around her apartment until her friend showed up to drive us up into the hills.  And this friend ended up looking like a 6 foot tall Trent Reznor.  And this friend entered the apartment, lifted her off her feet, and stuck his tongue all the way down her throat that I thought he was tickling the girl’s heart.  Yeah. Friend. Right.

So, let’s just call this guy Trent, ok?  Immediately jealous and envious at the same time, this guy seemed to have everything.  He drove a fucking Porsche.  He looked like Trent Reznor.  He was Lucy’s “friend”.  

“We’re not dating, Trent’s just my friend.  Kind of my boyfriend. But not really.”, she explained to me.

Ok, totally makes sense.  Sure.  Oh, hey look! Boobs!

Soon, we’re packed into his tiny car and zipping up a small dirt road into the forest.  I have no idea where I’m going and have this weird image as if I’m Dim packed into Alex’s car with the rest of his Droogs. Except, I wasn’t having any sort of fun yet.  Oh, and here’s a fun fact: I have a tendency to get carsick.  Fun. Fact.

Finally, we got to this big house in the middle of nowhere.  Fighting off the urge to puke, we walk up to the door and Lucy knocks only to find the door open up and someone yelling, “Come on in, fuckers!” How inviting!

I follow Trent and Lucy inside.  To my right was the couch which was crowded with two guys and two girls cheering on what I thought originally to me a sports game since they were yelling towards the big screen television set on the other side of the room.  

A sports game.  Any sports game.  I’d have settled for bowling.  Maybe golf.  How about competitive bird calling?  Nope, I’m not sure I’d call what was on the TV a sport.  As I looked over, a slow motion instant replay had just started and I got to witness a pig being shot in slow motion.  

Ladies and Gentlemen, these fine people were watching some sort of competitive pig hunting video.  I shit you not.

Soon, I’m introduced to the people on the couch.  However, the only one who you even know about is Jed.  It was his house, his party, and I was his guest.  I soon found out that Jed was also a police officer for the area and the video they were watching was shot by him.  They paused the VCR (it was 1996 people!) on this unfortunately violent screen shot.  Kinda hard to avert your eyes from a pig being skewered by an arrow when the TV screen is almost the size of the wall.  But I did my best. 

Soon drinks were offered.  I declined.  I was 19 years old and at that time in my life, I still had yet to find the glory of a good beer.  Or even a bad one.  

It started raining outside and it was cold.  Really cold.  Like 20 something degrees out.  After a few drinks and fun had by everyone, but me, because they basically left me in the front room alone to fend for myself, Jed decided it was the perfect time and weather to have a hot tub party.  The hot tub was already bubbling and I was able to see the steam rising from the cauldron outside through the sliding glass doors on the other side of the house.  Immediately, it seemed that everyone got naked.

Butt. Ass. Naked.

Remember what I said earlier about being antisocial?  Yeah, there was also that little issue I had about being naked around people.  Hell, I wore a fucking t-shirt to my first trip down to sex land and came out of that stained.  Now I’m in a room full of strangers who apparently get a kick out of killing pigs who want to take this party to naked town.  AND it was freezing outside.  I don’t care who you are, if you’re a man and it’s freezing, you too would take a moment to contemplate whether getting naked in front of some hot girls is the right decision.  Shrinkage and all.

But first and foremost, the reason I declined is because these people had already done a great job of freaking me the fuck out.  But I was stuck there.  No idea how I got there and my ride was already dangling his way to the bubbling water with a beer in one hand and Lucy in the other.

I declined the naked town invite to the boiling hot cauldron outside as politefully as possible and sat there.  I just sat there awkwardly in this strange house where any minute an orgy could break out.  Man, life would have been so much easier if iPods existed back then.  

Something like 20 minutes went by of me sitting there quietly, staring out the window.  Then, Jed trudged into the room dripping wet, barely wearing a bathrobe and plopped down on the lounge chair across from me.

“I don’t know you.  I don’t trust you.  I don’t like you.” He said before slamming a handgun down on the table, barrel pointed at me. “Just get naked and get into the hot tub.  I’ll trust you if you’re naked.”.

I remember stammering.  Up until that point in my life, I never experienced having a gun pointed at me.  Let alone by a drunk wet hick.  

He leaned back in his chair, drinking from his beer cozy and let his robe open so I could see exactly what religion this guy was.  

Immediately, I felt like that poor pig on the TV screen being cornered.  Like he was ready to skewer me for my delicious meat.  Hell, he just may have because I found out earlier that night that Officer Jed liked to hunt pigs naked at night.  I didn’t question it.  Whatever floats your boat, dude.  And speaking of floating boats, the dude’s “boat” was definitely floating under that robe.  

Lucky for me, Lucy realized Jed and I were alone in the front room and came in fully dressed.  She was just naked and wet.  Now she’s dressed….and still wet?  I didn’t know and I didn’t question it.  She rescued me from my own Deliverance moment and soon Trent was driving us back down the hill.  Lucy just laughed it off, defending Jed as a bizarre character.  Whatever the case, I feel sorry for any perp on the other side of that man’s gun….or arrow.

We ended up back at Lucy’s apartment.  Trent proceeded to goodbye fuck her through her clothing.  She told me later they were going to get married.  Her and Trent, her not boyfriend that she is kinda but really not dating.  And then, I slept in her bed with her.  Well she slept, half naked, rubbing on me as I laid there all night frozen staring at the ceiling.  

The next day I bid her a fond adieu and got the fuck out of there.  I drove home to my mother, her three cats, and the internet….to find the next crazy goth lady I could fall in love with. 

#thatisall

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