#NerdsUnite: 'Scuse Please, My Orgasm Is Waiting (Fornication Under Consent Of The King Rules)

<editorsnote> Dear mom and dad, I love you … I really really really do … but for the love of all things holy, please do not read this post. Like at all, and or whatsoever. It’s not for your eyes … or anyone under the age of 18. Still love you though!! #kthxbye </editorsnote>

Sooooooo, last night after being surrounded by a group of incredibly attractive men all evening and still ending up back at the apartment alone – I decided to hit up my Fornication Under Consent of the K ing buddy for some nook nook.

I was two for two on turning him down in the last week – once for Jersey Shore, and the other because I was asleep.

Super lame sauce, but after I had to train my brain to be able to sleep in a car – you very literally cannot under ANY set of circumstances wake me up. Some hardcore shit right there.

At this point, I kinda felt like I owed him one, on top of the fact that I wanted to end the evening with an orgasm. <tangent> OMMMMMGGGGGG this dude and I could not BE more anatomically compatible. I work hard, play hard, and like to be fucked hard – holy crap, he hits the back of my eyeballs. HAHAHAHA it is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful thing. </tangent>

I pick up my Droid Charge to give him a call, and after a handful of rings, to my delight, he answers.

Him: Hellloooooooooo?? (said in that annoying drunk voice where you try to sound sexy … you even THINK you sound sexy … only to find out when resonated on sober ears you just sound like a damn idiot)

Me: Get over here now and fuck me.

I hear loud voices and noises in the background.

Him: (to a chick other than me) I like that top that you have on, and these things (maybe motioning to her buttons, or her boobs … could be anything really).

See this chick right here, (I’m assuming he is motioning to his phone) she wants to fuck me right now (announced so loudly not only did I’m sure she hear, but the entire bar).

The second I heard that I hung up. No matter what, he sounds too drunk to even be able to have sex. Fail. EPIC FAIL!! I’m so fucking horny!

Kinda got me thinking though – I really think there should be a code of ethics for fuck buddies.

For reals, had HE called me any earlier in the evening, I wouldn’t have answered the phone out of respect to not only him, but to the gentlemen I was kickin’ it with. It’s just not nice!!! So why did he answer??? I know intoxication does lapse judgement, but knowing him – he’d prolly still do something like that sober, haha.

From this point on, however, I would like to set a standard in my personal life that all future Fornication Under Consent of the King buddies must adhere to. They are as follows:

1. Three strikes, and you are out. If at any point during out sexual shenanigans you are unable to get it up more than three times due to intoxication – you are out, done, and deleted from all contact lists. I understand sometimes due to stress, or other non-alcohol related issues – shit can happen. However, I will make a promise to go down for as long as it takes to get the sails up and going and we can proceed full steam ahead.

2. No baby talk. I am not a fan of baby talk, at all, whatsoever. ESPECIALLY not from a fuck buddy. If a dude I’m dating is into it – whatevs, I can deal as long as it truly turns him on (which will turn me on). But as far as fuck buddies go, I just wanna bang – and hard. I’m not looking to be your mother, I just wanna get fucked motherfucker. Dirty talk however is encouraged, and appreciated.

3. It’s not a monologue, it’s a dialogue. If you cum, I cum. Period end of sentence. This is the purpose of our interaction, and you are not done until I am. Work it, work it, and stop asking “have you cum yet baby?” Just shut up!!! Now I’m thinking about it and it’s not going to happen. ARRRGHHHHH!!!

4. If it’s going in the pink, you can bring on the kink. I am a kinky, kinky, kinky bitch. I am INCREDIBLY open minded and will try anything once. Explore with me, play around, see what feels good and if we both agree that it works, hit repeat! =)

5. R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me. If and when one of the parties gets in a relationship, or starts dating someone with serious intentions – drop a text as a heads up. I’ve been on both sides of this coin, and it’s weird when a dude is getting calls at 3am and you’re laying next to him. Just be respectful, man. I won’t text if I know what’s up. But also too, please do not bore me with your relationship problems when you end up on a “break” – I really don’t fucking care.

and finally …

6. Click ignore … just click IGNORE! If you’re at a bar, party, whatever – do NOT answer the phone if it’s your fuck buddy. Unless of course it is the “hey lemme call you back in 20.” That’s totally respectable but letting your fuck buddy hear a conversation you are having with a girl you are hitting on is just plain mean. I want to talk to you and figure out a way were are going to meet up. I have ZERO desire to be a part of that entire scenario, so make it easy like Sunday morning – and click ignore.

AHHH!!! Here’s to hoping I find a new one soon. I still don’t know what to do with this dude. The sex is SO good, but is this bullshit really worth it? AHHHHHH life. life. life. Can’t a nerd just get off without all the drama?