#NerdsUnite: Nerdy thoughts on love, longing, and perspective

I can’t quite articulate just how AMAZING it is being so transparent and documenting so much of my life online. I know a lot of people don’t actually “get it” but for me, not only is it SO UNBELIEVABLY LIBERATING, but when I’m stuck on someone, or something – just by posting on it I get 10 years worth of psychotherapy in 10 minutes. It’s the FREAKING INTERNET!! People will say things to you that your best friend would never say!! Everthing is unbelievably real 100% of the time. It’s SUCH a powerful and transformative tool. 

That being said, check out one of the emails I got yesterday … 

First off, thanks for writing and thanks for reaching out. This email made me have such an “ah-ha” moment last night, but lemme break it down line by line. 

Yes. I think tirelessly about how I am going to replicate the experience outside of myself. My goal within the next 4 months is to hire another lifecaster to come on board and document her journey as well. I need to groom them and make sure I am finding the right person, so it’s not going to be easy – but I’m a DAMN good producer and I know I’ll be able to find the person and push them and their writing. THAT I am confident of. 

So, yes, to answer your question, this brand will be MUCH bigger than me and will stay young and edgy as I develop into my twilight years. 

It’s a combination of intellectual stimulation and life experience. I think it’s because I’ve been dating younger guys that I just haven’t felt that same “spark.” Antonio already knows what he is good at in life and is already doing it. I’ve been on this ferocious personal truth exploration for almost three years now. It’s this different level of consciousness that I don’t know how to describe but everything becomes SO BLACK AND WHITE on what you’re good at and not. It creates this confidence and this matter of fact-ness that is SUPER attractive. That is what I want. Antonio knows how DAMN good he is at what he does. I want a guy that knows that already since I already know what I’m good at. 

I’ve given a TON of guys chances in the last year. I was dating two guys actually right before Antonio and I dated them both for over a month. Both were spectacular, but both weren’t as passionate as I am about what I’ve done and where I’m going. I KNOW I’m INSANELY and ANNOYINGLY passionate about what I do, but that drive and ambition is SO sexy. Antonio is obviously extremely ambitious and has already established himself. It’s THAT stage of life that I want to meet someone. 

Again, I don’t talk about the real time dating component of my life as much anymore, but I absolutely absolutely absolutely give a lot of guys a chance – but to be honest I get to a point where it feels like a waste of time. I didn’t initially feel the same spark with the finance guy for example but after a month and a half of dating I definitely started to and then bing bang boom – everything blew up. I’m EXTREMELY efficient in time management and I know it impedes me in dating to a certain degree, but I know what I want when I want it and I know what it feels like. I give plenty of guys chances but it’s in that time spent with them that I’ve learned to realize I need to trust my first instinct. 

I ABSOLUTELY don’t believe in a “soulmate” either. I think there are a handful of people out there that will make you PLENTY happy in this world. It is your job, however, to do the self work and to understand why you are attracting the types of people into your life and what you are seeking from each dynamic.

What is the definition of “doing it for you” though? For me, it’s a guy that keeps me on my toes and can out strategise me. I want a partner in life, I want to be the girl and be able to let down my guard. Yes, I over analyze things but that’s because the guys I had been dating would never fully think things through. Antonio. Thinks. About. Everything. Not in an obsessive way, but he’s always providing me with a series of options and ALWAYS has more fail safes than I do. It’s SUCH a turn on knowing that I can turn that part of my brain off and just be with someone and not have to worry about everything else. 

I do think this is something most women are after as well. This falls under the “taken care of” category. 

Antonio and I have not slept together no, but it’s hands down the most intimate relationship I’ve ever had. (Which fascinates me.) 

When I do fall in love it is incredibly incredibly incredibly hard. Again, I’m a passionate person. I don’t just DO something, I do it with 110% effort, energy, and life. 

The ah-ha moment in this email though came from just that. I have this thick skin meaning I don’t let a lot of people in but when they do they are ALLLLLLL in. I’m an EXTREMELY loyal person (sometimes too much so. Look at the Romeo dynamic. I should have placed that boundary with him YEARS ago yet I just let him keep coming back and back. Why when the relationship was so parasitic?) which is sometimes a detriment. I can say from a physical level when someone is “in” it is this MASSIVE jolt to my system … this … reminder of what intimacy feels like. How can I find a healthy balance of that? Am I experiencing enough intimate relationships in my friendships? Why put all of this pressure on one person to provide intimacy for me? It’s not his fault, it’s my own perspective on the scenario and my own constant that I need to take care of. 

next doable action: grow more intimate relationships among my friends. this way i stop seeking it out so much in dating to attract a healthier balance and dynamic. 

Well done and thanks SO SO MUCH for the email and perspective!!! Yay personal growth!!! xoxooxxoxo

#thatisall