<editorsnote> In this series of posts, I hope to explore and examine my first adult relationship and subsequent heart break in the hopes of releasing what may or may not still be present. </editorsnote>
Okay … Okay … I am ready to write the next chapter. First off, this is the second part in the series – so if you haven’t read part 1 check it out here.
This story hurts my soul. It really does. Not because there is anything lingering feeling wise, trust I’ve met his girl, AND his baby (which was even WEIRDER) – but this was the first guy I fully gave myself to in every way. He was in my head, in my heart – he was my everything. Just so gnarly to write about all these years later – and especially with tangible thoughts documented in my journal in real time. Super effing trippy, man.
Oh, here’s the song that goes with the post …
So, after that first night I left his place in the Valley and went back to my townhouse in Culver City. Here’s a bit of a backstory – see, when I moved to LA I didn’t have a lick of anything with me. I literally drove across country for 3 days with $300 to my name, and got a place in Palms in a bedroom that I shared for $400 a month – with more roomies than one could imagine … and they even had live in boyfriends.
It was intense, but I didn’t care, I was happy to be in LA.
Almost a year into living in the city though (in March of 2005) I went to the Price is Right and of COURSE with my luck, not only made it onto the stage, but actually WON an entire apartment full of furniture, ANNDDD made it to the showcase showdown. Yes, kiddies, Bob Barker furnished my first apartment in LA. How cliche is my story right? But it’s cool – I’ll own that shit.
So yeah, when I won all that furniture I took it as a sign I should get my own place – so I put my own ad up on Craigslist, found a place, got a new roomie, and BOOM just like that – I had my OWN townhouse … 2 bedroom, plus loft with two balconies. Seriously, man that place was the tits DDs for izzles.
I drove back to Culver City, and the text message later that day was just the beginning. Quickly we started a daily conversation, with a second … third … and fourth date.
Long passionate kisses – my body melted into his. I’m 5’7, he’s … ::thinking:: at least 6’2 – so it was that perfect girl to dude’s shoulder thing. I mean there was NOTHING in this scenario that wasn’t storybook.
Here this guy is, in my life, and for the first time I actually want to HAVE a boyfriend. I actually WANT to let someone close to me. Again nerderinos, I am not predisposed to want to have intimate relationships with people. (Read about my family here, and read about what happened with my best friends in high school here) Friends and family you’re supposed to trust growing up – I never had that. And furthermore on a sexual scale, I was also molested by a doctor when I was 12, so even when it came to having sex and sexual relations – I viewed it as a very matter of fact thing (read more about how I lost my virginity here), instead of attaching emotions to people and events. Albeit, yeah, this makes me fucking KILLER in business – as you can all see – it messes with me on a personal level. For me to even WANT to have a boyfriend was the biggest thing ever.
I just knew that with every touch, every breath, I wanted his everything.
He spoke to my soul, he gave my life new meaning … he made me delirious … and the drive to his place in the valley DROVE ME NUTS!!!
See, LA is a big big place. He lived DEEP in the valley, and I lived on the west side. That translates to EASILY a 45 minute drive without traffic – with traffic? Forget about it.
I had been working in sales for Verizon (indirect sales rep) at the time, and had 80 accounts all over Southern California; I literally spent my life on the road. Morning, noon, and night – I was putzing around to one account or another, so when it came to my personal life driving was the LAST thing I wanted to do.
During that time, he was also in the process of renovating his house (as his mother had left him her townhouse after she passed). So, I spent pretty much all of my free time at his place hanging around with him and his interior designer.
With each new paint swatch I started to mentally paint my own life with Noah. He was so meticulous, so strong – I mean, his mom JUST died and he’s now able to even pick up the pieces and start renovating. Albeit, she had been sick for a while, it was still inspiring watching someone able to just immediately compartmentalize and keep on trucking.
Weekends were spent at Home Depot, and every night was spent in his arms. ::pause:: ahhhhh hold on a second. I can remember exactly what his arms felt like around mine. So strong, so warm. K, carry on.
Then, one Sunday I grabbed brunch with my Myspace buddy Andie at Aroma Cafe. Tell me everything, she said.
First, coffee!! I’m going to need it after the little sleep I’ve been getting lately! ::wink wink::
Nice new default, she gushed.
AHHH!! Andie – I have something to tell you.
You’re getting married? She squeals
HA, no, but I am in love.
Wow. Like love love?
Yeah. Noah is amazing. He’s so so so good to me, he’s so strong, he’s everything I’ve ever been looking for in a guy.
You two are really cute together …
Aw, thanks babe.
Have you told him how you feel?
No, I’m scared to. I’ve never done this before. We just officially decided to start calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, (this was the beginning of August. Our first date was July 8th for those conscious of the timeline) and now I am officially in an unchartered territory. I’ve never dated anyone before with a title – I’ve spent my life casually dating. This is a relationship!!! UGHHH!! It’s just also so frustrating because I don’t have much of a filter. I perpetually say what is on my mind, and this is the biggest thing that has ever happened to me – I just want to scream it to him!! ::screaming:: I LOVE YOU NOAHHHHHHHH!!!!
Yeah no. You can’t do that – but I understand, she said.
Guys can get kind of weird about that stuff.
What do I do?
Find the right moment. You’ll know when that is.
How will I know? I pressed on.
You’ll feel it. Trust yourself.
We finished up our coffees then went on our separate ways.
I drove back to Noah’s house thinking about everything. I have to tell him, I thought. He has to know that I love him. I’m 110% going to explode if I don’t.
I walk into the house, and place both hands on his shoulders grabbing him off the couch.
You. Me. Upstairs. Now. I seal the demand with a kiss and within minutes we were running upstairs ripping our clothes off.
::20 minutes later::
That was amazing, he said.
You’re amazing, I cooed.
Mostly naked, and after having been fucked like a champ the words poured from my mouth.
I love you, Noah. You don’t have to say it back, I know this is all happening really fast – I just want you to know that I love you.
His also mostly naked self then kissed me, and replied back – I know. I care a lot about you, but love is a very strong word.
I know, I said. I lower my eyes in shame. I just couldn’t not tell you. I felt it.
I appreciate that, he said.
He then placed his arms around my now emotionally vulnerable self, and we both fell asleep and took a nap.
FML, I thought. Tell me I didn’t blow this.
Alrite, taking a break here. I’ll immediately start writing chapter 3 though. Did I mention the next part includes an extravagent wedding, Dr. Phil, Larry King, and Babyface?? YEPPP!!! This is going to get good.