#NerdsUnite: Kicking Depression’s Sad Sorry Ass To The Curb

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fran. She’s currently living the island life after giving up 15 years spent in the corporate world. WOW! What an adjustment. She is here to talk about her life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say … HIT IT FRAN!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover’s Fran Dingle

This past Sunday I attended my very first SGI-USA Buddhist Meeting (www.sgi-usa.org). It was awesome, from the beginning to the end I felt the soft gentle love of the room. Every single person I met, in their own individual way, were all emitting an extraordinary happy joy. I walked away from the meeting feeling very peaceful and free. It was a beautiful Sunday morning. Hours later I was still feeling the feel good side effects of being around such an ethereal and serene group. During the meeting a message from the President was read out loud and I can’t stop thinking about it: A quote from The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin vol I, pg 681: “There is no true happiness other than upholding faith in the Lotus Sutra. This is what is meant by ‘peace and security in their present existence and good circumstances in future existences.’ Though worldly troubles may arise, never let them disturb you. No one can avoid problems, not even sages or worthies…Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy. Regard both suffering and joy as facts of life, and continue chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, no matter what happens.”

It’s really nice to have the chant and this passage ruminating through the messball of my head. Between the Budda Meeting and knowing I have a blog to turn in, I now have so much to look forward to. I am so grateful for this blog as a place to turn. I knew I was heading down into the deep dark well of depression some time in the mid-fall. I felt it in my lack of motivation for the simplest task, my inability to pay attention, I was rushing to do nothing constantly. I was unsatisfied in everything and everyone around me. I was running around like I was the producer of the Oscars with a todo list a mile long, but I didn’t have the team nor the orchestra that an Oscar producer has. I was running on empty. Hating. Coveting. Miserable.

December everything went from bad to HORRIBLE. My beloved cat Moulie passed away. She was my first baby, the first pet of my life that was all mine….where I was the primary and only care giver. I’m still not able to really write or talk about losing my Mouls. I didn’t even mention it on FB. It’s not something I can talk about. Out of the blue, the guy I was dating, just stopped communicating with me. Things had been going pretty good with him for about 3 months. He was a fellow cat lover (and also just lost a beloved cat) and was definitely empathetic about my loss. A good friend of mine visited the island in November and spent time with me and the guy. My girlfriend LOVED the guy. They got along superbly; we had lots of fun the times the three of us hung out. My parents liked him. His mom was the one who set us up! I could not believe the guy I am dating and it’s going well – not fake well, for real really well – is choosing drinks with a friend (who he drinks with several times a week mind you, this wasn’t an off island visiting BFF) over me AKA crazy cat lady insane animal lover who really needs her guy right now. UGH. I took my usual par the course with my depression I walked away. He did not pursue communication further and I started to build my mental brick wall against the whole ordeal of him. Poof done.

Then in the blink of an eye it was Christmas and my birthday. On Christmas Eve I wasn’t feeling well, I was definitely feverish and off. I went to bed in hopes of waking up sans the sickness I knew was brewing. My hopes were unfounded, I had a full blown tropical flu of a most horrible caliber. I was sick for almost two weeks. The fever, the cough, the overall lethargy, in addition to not having a real Christmas or birthday really sent me reeling. My depression was full blown at this point, the little energy I did have was saved for a daily shower and then I promptly went back to bed. I couldn’t read, couldn’t focus, I hated every minute of every single day. Everyone and everything bothered me.

About a week before I reached out to Jen I knew I was in seriously bad shape because for three solid days in a row I woke up and went right back to bed. I would sleep on and off and then WHAM the clock would tell me 3 pm, 7 pm, 9 pm. Bu then sleep stopped coming and that’s a huge deal breaker with me and my depression, as long as I can sleep I am content in my own misery. At this point sleep indeed left me, the little sleep I was getting sucked. I was running on empty, lifeless really really down in the worst of dumps.

Then I read Jen’s post about creating your own destiny, getting out of the OUT THERE and something started to click. I got to thinking – why the fuck are you letting this disease get the best of you? You don’t suck, stop telling yourself that you do. Get out of bed, get back to life. And just like THAT the shit in my head stopped. It literally stopped.

I reached out to Jen and started blogging. I hung out with friends who were desperate to see me and were so happy I stopped isolating. I volunteered. I wrote. I created an OKC profile and crossed my fingers, I created art, took pictures, I sang and I danced a happy private dance all alone in my room. I went to the Buddha meeting and had an amazing time. My mindful brain was able to function and was able to overcome the depression. Three weeks ago I hated the world and myself. Today I firmly believe in hope for tomorrow and each day I am more and more determined to NOT let this disease run my life or my brain. I’m way more focused and I’m not rushing around for anything. I recognize as long I am sharing and creating and writing, all is well in my world.

I am really looking forward to writing more and sharing some of my fun and crazy stories with the TNTML community. Thank you so much for reading and for the love!