<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Jessica. She and I met through this loverly site, and by her reaching out to me asking if she could write for us. Really rad chickie, she provided a lot of insight into my childhood for me (something you don’t get every day from someone!!) – andddddd she has quite the life story. Like did you know she moved cross country for love? ORRRR that she found out her ex cheated on her by reading it on Facebook? ANNNNDDDD she even married a guy she met off of Plenty of Fish! Yep, true story! This is life as told through her eyes, and through the keyword of the nerd. HIT IT JESSICA!!! </editorsnote>
What is it about people always telling you that you’ll get what you want when you stop looking for it? It makes no sense. In my life, I think I have most often gotten just want I wanted when I started really looking for it, and doing things to get there.
Except that with relationships, somehow that seems to be just right. How can this be?
I was just talking today with my co-worker about her dating life, and she told me she’d reached a decision. She decided she really didn’t want the commitment and hassle of a long-term relationship right now. Or maybe ever. I have to pull the brake on the “or maybe ever” part of that declaration, but her motivation for not wanting a long-term serious relationship is hard to disagree with. She just wants to do what’s right for her, without dealing with the ups and downs of searching for “the one.” She wants to explore her options, avoid getting tied down, and work on her career and education. She just doesn’t have time for drama, and is sick of it.
I can’t help but remember the time when, before I’d met my husband, I decided much the same thing. After almost having to call the police on a guy who was declaring me the love of his life after one night of dancing at a local bar—some people just can’t hold their liquor—I decided I had had enough. I emailed my dad, and I told him what had happened. My dad had been trying to encourage me, and was always praying, being the religious man he is, for me to find the right husband and settle down. I asked him, if he wanted to pray for anything, just to pray for good career choices, for me to get promoted, be successful financially and with my friendships, and to get back into school. That’s all I wanted anymore—just to be myself, to have my career, and to not worry anymore about finding the right man or whether I would ever have kids. I was done. It would be just dating for me, from there on out. I had never reached that point before. In the past I had said I was content with being single and was “just not going to date for a while” the same way people say they are going to cancel their Facebook account. It lasted five minutes and then I was right back online, unable to really call it quits. I couldn’t just sit at Starbucks without checking out the dudes in there, wondering if the guy behind the register was married or not, and then eventually pondering what the odds were that I might meet my soul mate at a Starbucks anyway. This time, though, I meant it. It felt final. I felt lighter.
A week later, I met Tim, and my whole world turned upside down.
So what is it? Can someone tell when you aren’t looking anymore? Maybe it is a lack of desperation that men can just sense, or maybe you just walk with more confidence when you’ve made a decision to really value yourself as a whole person instead of a potential “other half.” I don’t know. I still don’t really understand, except that I’ve become that person who tells people what I hated hearing when I was single: “It will happen when you least expect it. Your life is happening right now. Be open to the possibility of meeting someone who you will click with, but DO NOT put your life on hold waiting for someone to come along who completes you.” You complete you. So date, but don’t obsess about it. Decide to live your life as it is—YOUR life, not a waiting area for people who are just hanging out, hoping the right partner is going to happen along so they can finally get moving. And if you’re doing it to trick the universe into bringing that dude along sooner, it won’t work. I don’t know why, it just doesn’t. Trust me.
Bottom line: Someone who knows who she is and isn’t afraid to follow her dreams is going to be an effortlessly attractive person. Be her. End of story.
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