How to: Bag a Hottie – Gamer Style

Article by #TalkNerdyToMeLover contributor Torsten Simonis

Are you one of those old-fashioned nerds that can speak 5 different programming languages fluently but gets palpitations while talking to a girl? Maybe it’s because you’re too shy or maybe you’re afraid to reveal your inner nerd to her because you are afraid to get rejected. No matter what it is, we take care of you. So we proudly present to you the guide on ‘How to: Bag a Hottie’.

Let’s compare the procedure of getting to know someone to a video game with 3 levels and one boss enemy. But, since you are a skilled gamer there’s one hitch: You only have one live. If you mess up one level you’ll have to start all over again with a new game. Keep that in mind while we start our walkthrough:

LEVEL 1: The first contact
This is a rather short but nevertheless very dangerous level. You can’t find any power-ups in that stage so be very careful or the game will already be over.
The first impression is very important so make sure you come up with a good pick up line. You can’t just walk over to her, show the vulcan salute and say ‘Live long and prosper’. If you’re unsure what to say, we are offering you a great variety of pick up lines to choose from. If you survived this first tricky passage you can introduce yourself and ask her what about her name. If she replies, don’t tell her you once knew a darkelf with the same name that betrayed you with a goblin. Instead start chatting with her a little bit trying to get a feeling for her likes and dislikes. Oh, and by chatting I mean chatting in real life! If you’re lucky you found a fellow nerd. Then you’ve already hit the bull’s eye and the remaining levels can be skipped. Otherwise you have to solve the other levels, too. This is likely the case because we as nerds are a seldom yet noble species which is rare and hard to find. In that case just see her as a young padawan trapped on the dark site of the nerdiness. It is your job to be the bright jedi knight that leads her onto the right path. Destroy her red light saber and hand her a blue or green one.
While playing this level you also have to find the key to unlock the door to level 2. Tell her you want to see her again, ask her about her phone number or her Twitter name. The main thing is: you have to find the key!

LEVEL 2: The first date
Arriving at the second level means she doesn’t think you’re a complete dork. Now you have to organize a date with the goal to convince her of all your amenities. You don’t want to come empty-handed so first thing to do: get her a nice present. Maybe some flowers, nothing too nerdy. And by the way, coding a virus and naming it after her is never cool, so don’t even think about that. You also may want to have some interesting subjects up your sleeve in case the conversation has stalled. If she’s asking where you’ve spent your holiday don’t say ‘Monkey Island’. If you can’t come up with something creative just say ‘I went to an exotic place which you probably don’t know. But I can show it to you if you like to.’ You’ll get her attention and curiosity by that. If she’s asking you why your skin is so pale, reply “I’m a sensitive person and so is my skin.” Don’t break the secret that you live in a basement and hate the sun because it’s always reflecting on your display.

LEVEL 3: Take her home
If you’ve managed the second level you can invite her to your home so she can get an impression of how you live. You might consider to draw the curtains and clean up a little bit (your crib, not your desktop!) first. But now she’s in your world and you are the dungeon keeper. So there’s nothing you should be afraid of. Her transformation to a nerd is almost done which leads us to the grand finale:

BOSS ENEMY: Reveal your inner nerd
Welcome her to the fabulous world of the nerds and show her all the glamour we have to offer. Now is the time to show her your master chief (The stricly limited action figure! What have you thought?) or your 27′ iMac or your badass multimedia center or your…go figure out the rest!