Just swallow that entire sentence for a second. I just got rejected by Romeo aka my first love … and it literally just happened this morning while I was en route to a press event for Ford and all while it was happening he was COMPLETELY freaked out that I was going to well … freak out … and instead I actually never felt sexier in all my life.
What is sexy, is of course an age old question. I’m currently 27 years young and I very genuinely up until the last year or so, never felt truly “sexy.”
For reals, and I’ve spent the last 6 years going to the Playboy Mansion in outfits like this …
… and I got to open a suitcase for 5 episodes on a super popular TV show …
But today in my soccer shorts, hoodie, knee highs, and Blowfish shoes – I had the sexiest moment of my life all while being rejected by my first love.
<tangent> It always cracks me up how “glamorous” people think modeling and the Hollywood life is. It’s honestly a lot of people doing a lot of drugs in the bathroom mixed with eating disorders and painfully insecure people. I’m not mad at it, man – you go do your thang! But I want to have GEENNUUIIINNNNEEE fun not the “look how hot I think I am, but am I really this hot” LA bullshit. It’s so lame, and if people took themselves 5% less serious I genuinely think we could have world peace. Well that, and if EVERYONE had a second helping of tater tots cause how could anyone EVER be mad at tater tots. MMMM TOTTSSS!!</tangent>
Back story …
On Monday, I called Romeo asking if we could kick it this week. I totally broke down – I know … but it’s been almost a freaking month since he came back into my life, and what else was I supposed to do? We hadn’t talked … we hadn’t anything really … and after 8 years … EIGHT FREAKING YEARS I finally wanted some answers.
Monday night then comes and goes – no return call.
At this point I am PISSSSSEEEEDDD. I’ve been stewing for an ENTIRE month wondering what was up with no direct answer from him. I then went to bed, and obviously couldn’t sleep.
I need to write this out, I thought.
I then stayed up until 2 am writing out every bit of everrrryyythiiinnnngggg to him. I explained that I didn’t want to do this over Facebook because writing is always my emotional cop out – but he wasn’t seeing me and the entire everything was physically incapacitating me. It’s REDIC! Way to come back into my life, but way to fucking suck at then saying anything about why … or what it all meant.
Tuesday then arrives, and I click send on my Facebook email. (I never ever ever send anything late at night. ALWAAAYYYSS look at something in the morning after you have a fresh pair of eyes.)
I then almost immediately get an email back.
There’s no WAY he could have read it that fast.
I look at the sender, it’s not Romeo but rather a friend of one of my oldest mentor’s.
Jen, he says, I have bad news – XXX has passed away.
He then cuts and pastes the obituary. NOOOOOOOOO I think as I immediately start sobbing seeing his name next to the word “obituary.”
<tangent> I can’t write about it yet because I have to send my condolences to the family first, and frankly I’m just not ready to process it all yet. Needless to say though, it’s been such a rough week. </tangent>
My heart at this point was already depleted from the last month of BS with Romeo, but now I was just a goner. I sobbed literally all day from my soul. It was horrible, and again, something I’m not ready to talk about.
Either way, I picked myself up this morning and got up SUPER freaking early to catch the city bus to head to Carson where Ford was having their press event.
See, after the whole Jalopnik debacle, I got back on Ford’s radar and it was really rad that they invited me down to test drive the fleet of new vehicles. I might not know anything about a car, but I am an extremely opinionated person who literally lived in a car – so, there’s gotta be at least something there, right?
I then take the two buses (I can’t BELIEVE it was only two to get to Carson) and arrive at 9 in the city of Carson. Now, any of you that know the South Bay know this is the LEAST pedestrian friendly city ever, but I didn’t have much of an option now being one mile away from the test driving area.
Suck it up, Friel. You’ll figure it out.
Dudes, I was freaking scared out of my MIND walking through that city this morning!! It was 9 am!! But it is a friggen GHE-TOOOOOOOOOO. Normally, I’m not mad at the ghettoness, but I kept getting a lot of hoots and hollars from cars going by, and the entire thing just made me feel icky and extremely unsafe.
Then at 9:12 while walking through the brush down 190th street (they don’t even have sidewalks) I hear my phone ring. I look down … and see it is Romeo.
I answer immediately.
Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya – you’ve killed my father, prepare to die.
Hi Jen, he says.
Heelloooooo, I reply back partially insane from the fear but mostly just not caring.
Your email scared me, he replies.
I know, I said, I expected it to to be honest – but I’m on this theme right now with my Shaman where I’m speaking nothing but my personal truth. Everything I said to you was my personal truth. I needed to just say it all to get it out – I couldn’t over analyze about how you were going to take it.
Jen, he said, I can’t date you right now. I’m working on this pilot and it’s super important to me, and we’re working 12 hour days …
I get it, I say to him as I am now walking in the road because the brush has become impassable.
We continue our conversation – Romeo (I called him his actual name), I get it. This was the exact situation you put me in 2.5 years ago and all I did was bolt because I was so overwhelmed. All I wanted to do was launch my site and everything that tried to get in the way of me doing it became collateral damage.
You sounded like you were on a ledge with what you wrote me, he replied.
Dude, give me a little more credit on being grounded – I just wrote from my heart, I said.
I appreciate it Jen, but I couldn’t even get through the entire thing.
You’re sounding douchier and douchier as the time passes I think as I continue to dodge cars walking in the road.
I was speaking my truth. This is how I feel, I stand behind it. I know logically that this isn’t a good time – duh! You’ve said over and over that work is crazy for you right now … but you came back into MY life after I legitimately thought you were gone forever. Did you really expect a different reaction?
I then literally had to JUMP out of the road and into the brush to avoid a school bus.
Listen, Romeo I say, I have to go now. I’m on my way to this thing and I have to focus on walking and not getting killed by a car because Carson is the least pedestrian friendly city I have ever been to.
I don’t remember him saying bye – I think I genuinely hung up on him not out of being mad or anything … but because I was LEGIT dodging cars and getting hit by a vehicle was not on my to do list this morning.
I then find the address (exactly 1 mile from the bus stop) and choose my first car.
I might not be a “car person” but the SECOND I saw this bad boy I said I had to have it …
That I said.
I want to drive that.
I then fill out the paperwork required for participating in the event, and was then handed the keys to the new 2013 V8 Ford Mustang.
I sit behind the wheel of the car, and every inch of leather just oooooooozzzzzzzzzzeeeedddd sex.
I then started the engine, and released the clutch (it’s a standard, and GO ME for not stalling it!!) – my body then legitimately got turned on.
OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! This car is sex on four wheels I thought!!
I’ve never driven a sports car as a standard before. My parents have driven super fancy pants BMWs and Mercedes, but there is something about driving a standard that gives you this sense of one-ness. It’s the same as sex actually if you think about it.
Our bodies were hugging the turns together as I shifted gears around the test drive route.
OMG OMG OMG, I get it now. This is why the Mustang is such a staple and such a popular car! It’s zippy as FUCK and has this personality and this … charisma that I can’t say I’ve ever experienced while driving an automobile before.
I then pull over to take some pictures of the car, and as I am stopped I get a text from Romeo. I respond again with my personal truth …
Editors note: The red car pictured is the V8 I also drove a blue version that is a V6
HAHAHA w2g Ford. This theoretically should have been a horribly “tragic” moment in my life, and all I could think about was how HOT this car is, and how SEXY I felt while driving it.
Seriously … look. at. this. face!
I told him I loved him … that I really really really freaking loved him … and he told me “not now.”
I knew going into speaking my personal truth that there was obviously no guarantee to it being reciprocated – but that wasn’t the point. I had to know I could emotionally take risks and not always be so strategic and analytical. I let go with soooooooo much of my personal and social life, but emotionally I’m still an ice queen. I know all nerds are to a certain degree since we all like to break things down to figure out how they all work (people included) – but it’s no way to live life. You HAVE to go out there and tell someone that you love how much YOU REALLY FREAKING LOVE THEM and not let it be contingent upon anything else.
Go me for being so brave with my heart, and go me for standing behind EVERY WORD that I said and not cowering down saying oh, well I only meant that if you felt the same way.
Today I learned a series of HUGGEEEE lessons:
1) Until you are in a committed relationship with someone do not ever ever ever stop seeing other people.
Seriously, I already have a dinner date tomorrow. It’s not about whether or not you got knocked down, it’s all about you getting your butt back up. When I was in my early 20s and Romeo pulled something like this I would have freaked and been catatonic for weeks. Instead, I was elated since I was genuinely enjoying my morning, and also relieved. I did my best in speaking my truth and at least now after a MONTH I finally knew where he stood. I couldn’t control the outcome of the situation I could only play the cards that were dealt to me and know that I’m always always always packing a full house when it comes to my awesome, and that is all that mattered.
2) Karma is a sweet sweet bitch.
This ENTIRE scenario is exactly what I did to him 2.5 years ago. It’s hilarious actually, I just kept saying to him not now, not now, not now. He professed his love to me too, and all I did was bolt. Well done, Universe! You’re like an elephant – you never forget do you.
3) When you’re truly, and I mean TRULY happy on the inside, things like boys coming and going do not have a great impact on you.
Am I sad that Romeo and I aren’t going to date? Certainly. I don’t think anyone who gives their heart away to someone ever truly wants it to be stomped on – but this is my reality … he’s not into me right now. The story that he was telling himself of my current reality though was that I was going to do something “drastic” when all I kept thinking was oh, child! I got a business to run honey and I am the ONLY one that can get this vision up and running so until it has come to fruition more I am NOOOOOTTTTT going anywhere.
I own my awesome, period end of sentence. It was not contingent upon Romeo’s love, or ANY guy for that matter coming into my life. Yes, I am 27 and do genuinely want to get into a relationship soon just because I want to get married before I pop out a baby and I want to have a baby sometime before I require my own diapers to be changed.
I am in control of my own destiny. I choose to get up every day and to follow in nothing but random adventures and my pure bliss. This shit is my jam! And today, I can genuinely say in that moment … which SHOULD have been horrible, I genuinely have never felt sexier all while rocking soccer shorts, a hoodie, and knee highs. It was NOT lingerie, and NOT what I “thought” would have been the sexiest moment of my life … but today, I really owned my shit, and that happiness ladies and germie men is quite possibly the sexiest thing a person can ever own.
Well that, and apparently the new 2013 V8 Ford Mustang.
SEX ON WHEELS PEOPLE!!! SEX ON WHEELS!!