Fun with #OkCupid: Fuck you Boston!!! I am DONE!!!!!!

Dudes, this is my dance space … this is your dance space … did we not learn this from Patrick Swayze??Done. Done. Done. Done. Done-er than done. So done I am considering a last name change to Donner-Reed party of DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, first off – this entire story actually starts this afternoon. I was going to run my errands, and wrap up filming – and as I was walking down the street that I am staying on, this duderino LITERALLY cornered me and totally got all up and invested in my personal space.

Okay, so let me break this all down – I was walking next to these big buildings, and they were to my right … he came from in front of me, and was approaching me to either hit on me or give me a “how you doin?” but I think he froze or something … so he got LITERALLY right in front of my face. Like hold your arm out, take away half of that space and that is how close this guy was to my grill. I stuck my head back out of sheer shock that this was even happening. He must have worked himself up, or something – maybe he got stage freight – but I took my left ear bud out literally about to either throw down, or frankly just RUNNNNNNN … and right as he saw me doing that, he stutters and goes, Whole Foods. Where is that?

I was so scared I didn’t even say anything – I just bolted. That really rattled me. I don’t like peeps getting in my grill. I can understand freaking out and getting nervous talking to a chick, but under NOOOOOO set of circumstances should a guy EVER get that close to a woman unless he has been intimate with her. (And when I say intimate I mean like they’ve had sex. And when I say they’ve had sex I mean he has put his penis inside of her vagina.)

It BLOOOWWWWSSS me away that guys in Boston will NOT and I mean NOT approach a girl at the bar, but they will stop her on the street in crazy, freaky, random ways. SECOND TIME THIS WEEK!!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??

Vans = greatest. shoes. on. the. planet. So yeah … that happened. Then tonight, I was testing out the new location integrated OKC app by seeing if the amount of messages a person received was dependent upon the message they sent out.

Usually my messages consist of “hey – let’s grab a beer!” – and I get boat loads of dudes hittin’ me up. Given, what dude wouldn’t want to grab a beer with a cute nerdy chick, but it kinda got me thinking – what if I appeared to be more of a Jimmy Choo-er than Vans rocker by sending out a wee bit bitchier of a message if I would still get the same response. My broadcast tonight was simple, it said “Bueller … Bueller” and to my surprise, I got 70% less messages but the same amount of profile views (averaging 50-60 with each broadcast). Dudes really didn’t dig the bitchier vibe, the fact that I am always down for a beer really is one of the primary reasons I get hit up by so many duderinos. (So rad, man. I’m so glad I play well in boys clubs. JIGGGGAAA!!!)

I set the broadcast up, and then felt a tingle. (hahaha not that kinda tingle!) See, I sit at my Macbook pro all day, and especially when I am editing something – my right arm literally starts tingling like a motherfucker, my tennis elbow kicks in (which is funny because I don’t play tennis – it’s from the god damn mouse), and pain ensues. When that shiznat goes down I have to ice it.

I’m sitting on my friend’s couch for like 10 minutes icing my arm, and then he has 2 DVR recordings go off at the same time meaning I had to watch one of them, or I was out. I forget what they were … but I had ZZZEERRROOOOOOO interest in sitting through it. One was this kinda rad looking sci-fi show, but both seemed to have terribly involved storylines, and I can’t enter a story halfway through. I’m a need-to-know-er, I will literally waste the rest of the night researching all of the character storylines and IMDBing like mad everything that I missed. With my arm in that kinda condition, it just couldn’t go down.

I pull up their DVR listing.

::scrolling::

Sports.

Sports.

Sports.

News.

News.

Porn? No, I think this is sports related. Balls in the, where?

Teen Mom.

I look to the right and talk to my imaginary friend. REALLY!!!! They have Teen Mom on their DVR?? REALLY?!?!

Well, come to think of it, I’ve never watched the show. It’s pretty popular. Maybe this was like me being anti-Jersey Shore for the first season, and then by season 2 when I actually sat there and watched it I fell in LOOVVVVEEEE.

I highlight Teen Mom, and click OK.

I make it through 5 minutes before not only my maternal instincts kicked in (OMMMMGGGG THOSE KIDS ARE SO FUCKING CUTE!!!!!!!!!!), but my levels of frustration started to rise. I start screaming at the TV …

CAN’T YOU SEE, HE’S NO GOOD FOR YOU!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!!

They can’t hear you Jen. Stop it!

My phone buzzes, it’s a local message from OKC. I pull it up, hmmmmmmm he looks cute. I click the profile. 89% match. OOHHHH this could be good.

We go back and forth. Where are you? I’m here. You’re there. How do I get to there from here? Take this train to that connection, get off that connection look for this line and then you’re here.

He made it all sound so easy, and after consulting twitter – you guys all agreed that I should go out.

I get on the T. Somewhere between lost … and really fucking lost … I find the connecting train, and LITERALLY ONE HOUR later arrive at the stop.

An hour … this dude is totally buying my beer for this shit. He made it sound like this was around the corner – RIDICULOUSSSS!!!!!

I start walking over to where I think the address is. Then I hear ::doop deeee dooooooooooooo:: oh no, I know that sound … yep, my Droid just turned off. Clearly this is a sign that it’s a nerd’s end of day.

I start walking now having no idea where the fuck I am going.

I stop two people on the street, and they finally send me back on the right track and on my way.

I arrive at the street the duderino gave me, and look down … um, there don’t look like there are any bars down this way. This looks residential.

I start walking … alrite, maybe there’s a house party. My guy friends told me Boston peeps are BIIGGGG on their house parties.

Fine, let me just see. I didn’t sit an hour on the T to just have to go straight back.

I walk down the street and see this creepy Bates motel looking apartment/ two person/ ten person casa.

OOOHHHHH HELLL TO THE FUCK NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I might do a lot of weird things … meet a lot of weird people … purposely put myself in weird situations, but meeting a guy from the internet at his house at 11:30 on a Friday night is one thing I am just not okay with on any level.

At all.

And or what so ever.

I stomp the three blocks back to the T station.

FUCK THIS PLACE!!! FUCK YOU OKCUPID!!! FUCK YOU BOSTON!!!! I CANT HANDLE THE DUDES OUT HERE!!!!! I CANT HANDLE THESE PEOPLE!!!! AND I LIKE EVERYONE!!!! HOW COULD I NOT FIND ANNYYYYYY NEW FRIENDS ANNYYYWHHHEEERREEE IN THIS ENTIRE CITY!!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG HERE!!!!!!!!! FUCK THIS, FUCK IT, AND FUCK YOU – TWO MORE DAYS, AND I AM OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!

I then sit at the T station and wait for one of the last trains back, and as I was sitting there a pack of six drunk 22 year olds approach me.

How you doin, girl?

Not now, I say with a stern look. 

Oh girl, you so purrttyyyyy!! Where you partying tonight??

Now, mind you – normally I have headphones in my ears, so I don’t have to hear that, but remember – right now my phone is dead.

No where thank you, I say sealed with a bitch stamp.

For the next hour both at the stop and on the train ride back, I had to hear the pack of six drunk 22 year olds talk about their conquests – specifically someone named Sloppy Stephanie who gives great head.

FUCK.MY.LIFE.

I get back at the house, plug in my phone – and am ENNRRAAAGGEEEEEDDD at the inconvenience and general stupidity this mother fucker has for even THINKING OkCupid was Adult Friend Finder. WHO.MEETS.SOMEONE.AT.THEIR.HOUSE?!?!?! WHO!?!?!!?

I take a deep breath and send him a text …

Really, you’re just thinking this now??? HOW WERE WE MATCHED THAT HIGH ON OKC!!! HOW MANY BRAIN CELLS ACTUALLY TAKE UP RESIDENCE IN YOUR HEAD!!!!!!

Done. Doner than done – I am done. Tomorrow, my parents are taking me to a nice dinner … then HOPEFULLY I get to bone my 9th grade World Civ crush … Sunday, I have like 2 more quick things I have to film … then I’m gone Monday morning. I can’t handle this – you have no idea. I love everyone!! I love everything ALWWWAAAYYSSS!! This city fucking sucks. The people fucking suck. They’re not welcoming, I’ve met no one new except MASSIVE creepers that got all up in my grill. I am enraged, I am disgusted, and I swear to god, if I don’t get laid tomorrow night I am never EVER coming back. (No pun intended)

#FUCKYOUBOSTON