<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Kenny. We e-met through OKC and although we’ve never gone out on a date, he was inspired by my documentation of my online search for love, that he wanted to come on board and provide male insight into OKC. So here you go … and now we’re here … HIT IT KENNY!!</editorsnote>
Dealbreakers. Such a finality. Every relationship starts with a set of objectives, wants, desires, likes, dislikes, and dealbreakers. The latter being the final and only straw it takes to just say “No” to hugs.
Some people have too many, some people too few, but most people at least have some set of “no-no’s” that will end a relationship before it starts. Breaking down the word into two will help us understand exactly what it means.
A personal relationship, just like a business relationship, constitutes a deal. “I will give you seven schillings if you don’t sleep with my sister. Do we have a deal?” If you don’t hold onto your end of the bargain by sleeping with the sister, then no schillings for you. I guess I’ll have to get my milk the old-fashioned way, by going to the milk maid… Who also happens to be your sister.
People have a lot of likes and dislikes. What’s your favorite beer? “Racer 5.” Who is your favorite historical figure? “Alexander the Great.” What’s your favorite sexual position? “Umm.. the one where I’m inside of you?”
It might not be a dealbreaker if we drink different beers or have different heroes, but it might be a dealbreaker if you didn’t find that last part funny.
Truthfully, the term “dealbreakers” doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, semantically speaking, when it comes to first dates or online dating. What kind of a deal did we enter into when I clicked on your profile? Why wasn’t I informed of this deal? I want to speak to my lawyer. It would be more proper to say it’s a deal-killer-before-it-started because I never wanted your schillings, but it’s sure a whole lot easier to just say dealbreaker. And it’s a lot more fun to say. “That’s a dealbreaker, ladies!”
The following are some of my own personal dealbreakers, which I’m sure will just be heart-breaking for all those concerned. I’m the complete opposite of a person that thinks their opinion is the only right opinion, and my views don’t reflect anybody else or say that you’re wrong for having these qualities. These are just my preferences, and a fun activity for me to go through.
Doesn’t Use Proper Punctuation? That’s a Dealbreaker!
A profile that doesn’t use proper punctuation is not a profile for me. I would add “grammar” to this list, but I will point that I only mean “obvious grammar.” I’m still working out my own demons with colons, semi-colons, and ellipses.
The best part about this example is that she spends a lot of time thinking about “how to be more like Steve jobs.” This gives me visions of a world where jobs are only described by a proper name. Want to be a plumber? We call them “Donald’s.” Want to be a lawyer? That’s a “Suzanne.” You don’t want to grow up to be an astronaut; you want to grow up to be a “Neal.”
I wish her luck on her endeavor to find a Steve job, I hear it pays quite well.
You Rarely or Never Drink? That’s a Dealbreaker!
This is a good time to emphasize once again, that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not drinking or rarely drinking. I don’t expect my beliefs to be your beliefs or vice versa. I just don’t see how we can possibly be soul mates if I drink every weekend. I used to be coy about certain things in my profile like “Smokes sometimes” or “Drinks socially” but then I realized that was fucking stupid. It’s better to just be honest about who you are and not give a shit about whether or not it’s a dealbreaker for somebody else.
I commend her for being honest about rarely drinking up-front and she clearly has no worries throughout her introduction about being a dealbreaker for somebody. Pointing out that she’s blunt and guys “might not like (her) very much.” Frankly, that just scares me right off the bat. Not because I’m afraid to hear the truth, but because it almost feels like she’s already got the gun cocked and if I message her, her first reply will tell me how ugly I look in blue.
I also was quite amused at this: “I am always laughing… Most of the time it’s at myself haha.” She wasn’t kidding. She does like to laugh at herself.
Is That Your Boyfriend? DEALBREAKER!
Seriously, dealbreaker, dealbreaker, DEALBREAKER. I am still dumfounded by pictures of a girl with a guy on a dating website. And especially with all the guys that are better looking than I am! I mean, is that your boyfriend? Your ex-boyfriend? The guy you wish was your boyfriend? Hey, let’s just avoid this whole awkward moment by you not putting up pictures where it looks like you’re on a date.
That’s it for Dealbreakers. On another note, I am debuting my new blog. I write on several websites, but it seemed like a good time for me to compile a bunch of my own material on one central location. I’ve spent a little bit of time compiling content so that when people go there, they know what to expect. There will be funny pictures, articles on all kinds of topics, and some movie reviews. If you like my writing at all, please go check it out at www.kennethauthor.com. If you like the website at all, then please join, bookmark, share, tweet, spread the word. The blog is just a brand new baby in beta stages, but I believe in the content and that it will make you laugh. Go check it out!
And thank you Jen Friel for giving me this forum on a weekly basis and to Melodie (@MyMelodie) for giving me some critiques and ideas!
click here to follow Kenny on twitter!