Fun With #OKCupid: 3 Different Emails ... 3 Different Responses

First up, if you haven’t read my OKC profile – you can check it out over yonder. Might make some sense to the things guys reply to, haha. But for reals, these are all actual emails I’ve received recently, and my actual responses back to them. It is through this transparent experience that I hope you all can take away some knowledge on what works and what doesn’t in the hopes of making your online dating experiences that much more fanschmastically awesome. YAYYYY ONLINE DATING YAYYY!!! K … cool … here we go …

Okaaayyyyyy, clearly this guy is trying to be funny – but this joke is falling horrifically flat for multiple reasons:

1. I don’t have kids – it says so in my profile.

2. If I were to have kids – condoning child abuse is no bueno duderino. I was a nanny and worked at a day care AND day camp; don’t fuck with the little ones.

3. This wasn’t even funny.

CORRECTION: HA! Someone posted in the comments and reminded me that this was a line from Mrs. Doubtfire. Wow – that one went right over my head. Now I remember that was in the same scene where he goes “I am Job” too. I’m now embarrassed, and not sure how to reply back having dissed this guy so publicly. ::hangs head in shame:: suggestions? Post in comments!

Setup: This one is a two parter. The guy’s screen name is ILoveBlondes plus a series of numbers …

Face … meet palm. Okay, this tells me a few things about this dude …

1. He isn’t in control of his own life. Really? Your friends have to create your OKC profile? I mean I know I was pushed into online dating because of a friend of mine – but lame sauce man. You’re a dude, grow a pair!

2. He’s insecure. Why else would he ask me to be friends with him? I’m on OKC to date and hopefully from that find someone. Why on EAAARRRTHHH would I ever just want to be friends with guys on here. No bueno.

Actual Response: None

HAHA RAD!!! But hold on that one doesn’t count … it just made me smile … lemme find another one …

DUDE! WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!?!

Hahaha this one was a first – I’ve never had a guy actually start an email out with YOU THERE?! Like as if by capsing and screaming SUPER LOUD into his monitor I’d actually be able to hear him.

I am also thoroughly confused if he thinks I actually do live inside the computer. Why is he asking me if I am there? Does he not get how emails operate in general because if that is the case then oooohhhh nelly will this duderino and I not get along.

What would I ever want to do with you if we ever spent time together? Hmmm let’s see … I’d like to play a game of hide and go seek. You go hide, and I’ll TOTALLY try and find you.

Oh goodness gracious – this is just epic fail on a lot of levels.

Actual Response: None

As I’ve said before 1,000 times and I will say 1,000 more – pull ONE SINGLE detail out from a chick’s profile on OKC and ask her to elaborate. For example – I talk about Unicorn pee in my profile, maybe you could comment on that. Or the fact that I totes heart The Matrix … OOORRRR the fact that I bartered social media to live for a year. Whatever floats your boat and whatever you GENUINELY want to know about – friggen ask. The. first. email. is. always. about. the. chick.

I’m sorry to burst your bubble with that men, but it is INCREDIBLY matter of fact that I don’t even email dudes on OKC – they email me. That. is. a. constant.

So, now your next doable action in being able to get the first date (which is of course your ultimate goal in sending someone an email online) – is to stand apart from the pack.

How do you do that?

1. Have a GENUINE smile in your default. (Also your default picture should be a CLEAR SHOT OF YOUR FACE!!! AND THAT’S IT!!! Take off the hats, glasses, ALL OF IT!!! It will only make me think that you’re hiding something.)

2. Pull a specific detail from the chick’s profile. You have NOOOO idea how many generic – how you doins a chick gets on a daily basis – stand out!

3. Keep. It. Simple. Stupid. Your first email to a chick should be very casual and VERY concise. We get a lot of ’em, and don’t have a lot of time to read everything … so catch our attention by being the guy who pulled ONE SPECIFIC DETAIL and had a GENUINE SMILE IN HIS DEFAULT – and boom … as a chick I’d totes respond back.

There ya go nerderinos. Here is to another happy and healthy year of online dating.