Thanks for the clothing LuLu Lemon! I get more time now to practice my ninja skills. WAAAHHH!!These last few weeks have been surprisingly emotional. I wasn’t sure if it was the dating detox, or stuff going on behind the scenes in general with various production and pitch meetings – but I have been feeling for the first time since I started this site, an extreme sense of vulnerability and gratitude …. mixed with angst.
The vulnerability I’m assuming came from the fact that I have actually stopped serial dating all together, and spend my weekends and late night with friends rather than online dates. I’ve known for a while that I needed to stop sourcing my life for content as it was impeding personal growth, but I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my love for writing and this website in general. It never occurred to me though how MUCH I was giving up to the quality of relationships in my life in general. How could I ever have time for myself, time for friends, time for people I cared about if 24/7 I was out with some new dude doing some crazy thing.
As I was scrolling through my camera roll on my iPhone to search for a new lock screen photo (previously I had Walter the plant’s picture so if I was away I could at least energetically still feel attached to him. Yes, it’s weird … I know, but it did help.) and I came across this quote from Tolle:
“You get there by realizing you are already there.”
I immediately made that photo my lock screen, and it struck me how true that is of my present moment.
I have now become everything I set out to “be” in launching this website.
I started Talk Nerdy To Me, Lover on November 3, 2009. Yes, I was capitalizing on the whole “nerd being hot trend” but it was also GENUINELY me. When it came to living in Los Angeles, I could either be considered attractive, or smart but NEVER both. Being insanely insecure at age 24, of course, I chose being hot … but something just snapped in me in regards to starting this site. We had no business model, no 5 year plan or exit strategy. I never went to college, and obviously not business school … all I had was this INSANE passion to want to talk about social media from a user benefit perspective, and lead by example. I didn’t just want to tell people how cool social media was, I wanted to use it as a storytelling medium and platform and just do cool shit and see how far it could get me. This website became my permission slip to be unapologetically awesome. I was the boss, I was the creator, this was my vision, my voice, my everything.
I remember people asking me about the site after we were only a few weeks old, and they would say, so you just have a blog?
WITHOUT SKIPPING A BEAT I would reply back with, it’s not a blog, it’s a revolution.
People then started to check us out, and the stories started to keep people’s attention in general.
I’m still convinced people only checked us out in the beginning wondering if I was dead in a ditch somewhere, or if this was some elaborate publicity hoax.
It never has been, and it never will be … this website is my life’s work. My heart, my soul, this journey documented in real time.
After the couch surfing, I realized I could actually build a business off of what I was doing. I had at that point enough to keep me alive for over a year, and people were starting to now pay me for sponsorships (albeit peanuts, it was still enough to make rent and keep afloat).
In that moment, I made another declaration to myself.
I just want to be successful. By my own definition. Not by what my family thinks, friends, scorned lovers … I want to feel like I have contributed something to the world and if I were to die tomorrow I could feel like my time spent wasn’t wasted. That to me is success.
The declaration wasn’t rooted in anything monetary but this sense of fulfilment that I genuinely believe is a part of the human condition. We all want to feel like we are a part of something and have done something to make a difference (even if it’s only to ones self).
The couch surfing stopped in 2011, and it wasn’t until the end of 2012 that financially speaking I was able to truly start to ground myself. I visualized the abundance and I should say to my surprise, but it wasn’t (thank you universe!) a series of projects manifested and have left me in a position where I no longer have to freak if rent is going to be late, or get extra samples from Trader Joes pretending that I’m mulling over the decision when really I am just savoring the two bites which have now become dinner.
I not only have ample money for rent, but also was able to finally afford to get my car back. When everything was said and done (getting it running again, registration, insurance, smog check, windshield wipers, fixed windows so they are both shut after the person that lived in my car broke one of the windows, detailing the car to clean off any potential sex that was had by said person that slept in my car) the final total for all the money it cost me to get it back was two grand.
Do you know what TWO GRAND is like to someone that survived off of TEN DOLLARS FOR A FUCKING YEAR?!?!
It was a big moment getting my car back this week.
I realized though this afternoon when I read that quote that I am already there. After all of this time, I finally and I mean TRULY feel like a success to myself.
I am not only starting to walk in abundance again, but I am doing it via my own bliss. This is my “ultimate life” and my dream. I LIVE for adventures, and LIVE for good stories. I can talk about new media, branding, and tech in general for days and days and days. All of this is a representation of what can be found on this site.
I then started to tear up from a place of gratitude.
I can’t believe I’ve done all this, I thought staring down at the quote. I am here. I did it. I lead a COMPLETELY corporate sponsored life which is now abundant enough to include luxuries like a gym membership, gas, insurance, and trips to the doctors office sans insurance.
My biggest issue is that I am extremely hard on myself. I am a self motivator and will do literally ANYTHING to achieve a goal. The cost of that however can be a complete loss of self which I’ve discovered can actually devalue your emotional psyche causing you to NOT BE the best you can be in regards to achieving said goal.
What’s the freaking point in accomplishing whatever you were going after if when you get there you’re about to break down and fall to pieces. IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!
Self first. Always.
And what about the angst?
Me thinks I am coming to terms with being a control freak. Because I’ve lived my life so by the seat of sometimes not even my own pants for the last three years, it didn’t even occur to me that I ever thought that I was in control. If I think about it though, I am the one that has chosen places I can check in, where and when I write, what I write about … etc. I am very much in control of everything I do. I am now in a position where I literally have no idea what even the next 6 months look like for this site. I just had a series of meetings and hopefully some of the people will get back to my manager and I and discuss a series of ideas that will have an impact on this community. Because I have no idea what that means, it makes me nervous. At the end of the day though, I am living my passion, following my bliss, and whatever will be with that whole shabang will be handled as it occurs. I trust the amazing, amazing people I have as mentors and manager and trust that they will know what is best. The only thing I can stay true to in life is myself and I honestly can’t worry about it.
If I did just discover that I am a control freak, maybe this means the domme needs to explore being a sub? Fuck, this might open up a whole new can of worms ….
Thank you for this moment. And so it is.
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