#Fact: I don’t want to wait in vain for your love (a lesson on longing)

My life’s work is in staying present – and I am not sure how much that is helping me right now. 

Last month, I fell madly madly in love. I was ABSOLUTELY terrified of what that would even mean to this brand, to myself – but I couldn’t deny this visceral response this person was creating in me. I knew THROUGH AND THROUGH that professionally speaking I was already doing things to allow for this variable, but the second it is presented early in your strategy it is no doubt a shocker. 

Either way, we then had a falling out, followed by a truly truly spectacular lunch – but now I’m probably more confused than ever. 

Sure, I’ve LITERALLY dated half of Los Angeles and accidentally become this massive, massive expert in dating – but I was detached from the scene enough for my big, logical brain to be able to process everything. It was NOT at all an intentional detachment – but I could not find a single person that intellectually stimulated me. I am at my core a strategist and street smart intellect.  

I so very genuinely appreciated SO many of the people that I met – but when you meet so many people, you can start to connect the dots SUPER fast. Talking to people literally morning, noon, and night made me this freak of nature that might not have ever studied psychology in a classroom – but I just see these things, and am able to sniff out on a primal level what “is and is not.” There are no words for it, but I’m sure others that have done and do the same can relate. People are NOT difficult to figure out!!! 

It definitely wasn’t love at first sight with this person, but when he and I had some quiet time away from all the glitz and glamour … I knew something was different. I couldn’t pinpoint it because I genuinely had no frame of reference but I remember when we parted even after our extended first date that, holy shit! this. was. very.  different. Spending that much time with anyone would have normally made me the loner RUN FOR THE FREAKING HILLS … but instead I was sitting in a cab and couldn’t stop thinking about him. 

By our second date, I knew I was legitimately falling in love. My friends saw it, even my own mother commented on the fact that she couldn’t remember a time I had ever sounded so happy. Literally!! My own mother!!! 

Everyone sees a change in me, and I know I’ve genuinely changed greatly in this last month on an emotional level – but the entire scenario still frustrates me. It’s this transition of power and this great understanding of the fact that life can just KNOCK. YOU. ON. YOUR. ASS. in a moment’s notice. 

I did NOT ask for this … but I genuinely know that if I see this person again or not, it doesn’t matter. This being, this feeling grew in my heart and allowed me to lay down my guard – so even for that SECOND and even for that MOMENT, it is still something no one has ever been able to do. 

Even with Romeo … even with Noah … I through and through run circles around them both intellectually; the mentalist was literally all smoke in mirrors. 

This person though … damn he’s good. 

I was ready to admit that love can prove someone wrong at any given moment, I just didn’t expect that moment to be right now – and I ABSOLUTELY did not expect to be caught off guard so many times. (Something a strategist does not appreciate.) What am I supposed to do? I feel like everything in my life has become this process of going through the motions. I LOVE meeting new people and can always see the value in that – but that same sense of “hopefulness” is gone. How do you play by the rules when you know what you want and have ZERO problem going after it? 

Again, everything that makes me a shark in business COMPLETELY impedes my personal life. My instinct right now is telling me to be less available – but I’m putty.

There is nothing more that I would EVER advise a female to do in my own shoes than to just keep doing what she is doing and not get caught up in it – but psychologically speaking, how can you not?

Is this some massive reverse psychological mind fuck that to get the wild child and free one you just have to let her be free and wait for her to come to you? Guys pratically pee on me by the second date wanting to declare their property. Finding a guy isn’t my problem, finding one that interests me is. 

As COMPLETELY cheesy as it sounds – colors don’t seem as bright, and all I want to do is talk and share things with this person. All that I keep thinking over and over is the fact that this MUST be true intimacy. (Even in this post I don’t WANT to say this person’s nickname!!!!) 

I’m not longing for occupation of time- I’m longing deeply for that intimacy, and that meaning that I feel when I am around this one singular person. 

I’m entirely realistic that at the end of the day things will still be what they will be … but on this biological level my body chemistry is so off, and so … different. That has no logic, that I am NOT in control of, and for the first time in a very very long time I am okay with it. Again at the end of the day without GENUINE hope or agenda I can say I was a better person because of this individual that came into my life. How could anyone ever be mad at that? Again, this comes all back to being present!! 

My life’s purpose right now is in resonating my personal truth. This I know to be true, yet I feel so helpless. 

I’m questioning LITERALLY EVERYTHING I am doing right now with this person – which is hands down a first. I’m PETRIFIED of “messing” anything up – even in writing this post and being transparent WITHIN MY OWN FREAKING AUDIENCE!!! 

I can’t control what is and what will be in this scenario, I just didn’t honestly think I’d question so much of my own sanity in the process. 

I know so through and through that this is all part of my journey but why can’t I just ask … are we there yet?