I got an email the other week from a gentleman that I went out on a “date” with a few years back. (I use that term loosely but explain why a bit further down.) It is with a heavy heart that I share this. I’m not embarassed by it, but facing the reality of the way I have been living my life hasn’t been easy.
First off, thanks Evan for writing that, and thanks so much for your email. For one, it was cool getting to go back two years in time and remember everything Evan mentioned. That whole self-reflection thing while still in that same frame of reference (at least in my experience) was complete BS. You can’t learn what your lesson is until you know whatever it is you’ve signed up for.
Life just keeps moving – keeps happening to us. You can’t tell it to pause while you reflect and write a post. It’s varying degrees of, pardon my French, (which I said to my mother this morning, why do we always have to blame the French?) a shit show.
<tangent> Forgive me if this is incorrect, Evan, but I believe we met somewhere in Boston back filming for Vidblogger Nation? Then, you were telling me about your journey with the improv troupe, and how you wanted to launch this site. (Which congrats on doing so, btw!)
I can still remember details/ stories of just about everyone I have met while launching this site. I don’t know if that’s creepy on my end, or if I was truly that lonely and held onto the memories as if they were something more. (Not in a manner to discredit, I’ve absolutely had the time of my life – but as far as what I had said I was seeking, it all lacked fulfillment.) Jury is out. Back to session … </tangent>
Two, it was nice to see how certain aspects have changed. You’re never too busy to take time and speak to someone. In my mind, I had allocated x amount, and boom – it was over. My concept/ value of time spent with company was as shallow as my mentality.
I apologize to you for that hour, Evan.
Not to say that I could have been anything different, but as a lack of commitment on my part to what I had acknowledged our time as being – a date.
I don’t just jump into things like I used to – I take a moment and assess what exactly is happening, but then most importantly, myself. Am I the absolutely 100% the best candidate? Can I recommend anyone else – someone better suited? What are the needs and how much can I commit? How much is required, and I can honor that?
I was asked to take on a leadership role this week, and I’m not kidding you when I say I freaked thinking, there has to be someone better. Am I doing this for all the right reasons? I called the woman who had been in the position for the last 10 years the next day and said to her, if you believe I am the right person then I have to trust that. She started laughing saying she had prayed and it was a “call” (no pun intended). All I had to do was answer the phone, listen, hang up, and do the job. I loved that.
At the end of the day the internet provides an outlet into a virtual reality that is yours to create. You can say, or be whoever you want, (although social media does provide a degree of credibility) but at the end of the day you have to look in the mirror, or Facetime/ Skype and be happy with what you see. Very concrete, very simple.
In my experience learning to like what I saw in the mirror meant not only facing the reality of everything I was doing, but also forgiving myself, and instead of dwelling on it, take action, and decide for myself that I wanted to make a change. How could I possibly date or even be in a relationship until I started to deal with these things?
Honor your commitment, honor your words, and honor your relationships.
Life now is less appointment based and more Buster Brown (my dog). I spend my days not thinking but knowing that he is smarter than me, and not thinking but knowing that he is stronger than me. I tell myself I win most days when truly he is the one that lets me win.
Thanks for this smile Evan, and keep on sharing that big heart of yours. xx