#Question: Does this make me insane? Or is this just another "breakthrough?"

Well, this has certainly been an interesting week. I'm vulnerable, man. I'm making a CONSCIOUS decision to allow myself to be absurdly vulnerable in both a physical and emotional sense. 

As usual I am getting ahead of myself. Maestro ... 

So, on Monday I had to meet with a lawyer for some trademark reservations on this project I am advising. I LOOVVEE me some law, so getting to ask a ton of questions was right up my alley. I honestly could never sit through the schooling required to become a lawyer (let alone the bar exam in and of itself), but I'm FASCINATED by it. You can twist anything to any direction you want based on precedents set, etc. My dad is a lawyer so anytime I had a question about something growing up, he would say "which side of this am I going to argue?" It was never, you're right this person is wrong, Jenny. Everything was well, which side of the coin do you want me to look at? I had no idea until recently how much growing up with that mentality truly shaped me. I don't take ANYTHING at face value. I. Question. Everything. In. Life. 100%. Of. The. Time. Serves me well in business, and actually even in dealing with people in general. It makes me a great mediator between friends in an argument. 

I digress ... 

After I left the meeting I went downstairs to the valet to get my car. (At fancy pants buildings they have valet and only let you valet park.) As I was waiting for my car, I started chatting with the woman at the cash register. 

It started off with something simple, "how was your day?" 

Great, she said. 

She's a "worn" looking woman, in her mid 30s. You could tell she's worked since the womb and very hard at that. 

I glance behind her and see a single rose with a ribbon wrapped around it. 

OHLALA, I say getting super excited. Looks like someone has a secret admirer!! 

She looks back at the flower, and then glances down showing a bit of shame. 

That's my friend, she said. 

I wish I had a friend like that, I replied back. I want a guy to send me flowers!! 

Yes, she said, but I am married and it's not from my husband. 

Her eyes peered around to see if any of her co-workers were around. I got closer to show interest. 

I'm married now, she said. But back at my last job, I had met this guy. He told me he knew the moment he saw me that I was the one for him. I didn't take him seriously, so we just stayed friends. Then, he finally took me out one night and I realized how kind he was on the inside. I saw so much that I wasn't willing to accept before. 

Wow, I said, genuinely shocked at this woman's honesty. She told this story with such conviction and shame - yet she trusted me. 

She continued. 

He asked me to finally go out with him, but I had already accepted the proposal of the guy I was dating. 

I look down at her hand and see a small diamond on her very tired looking fingers. 

I couldn't say no and break his heart, so I got married to my boyfriend. We have been married now for over a year. He still sends me flowers though. 

Does your husband know about him? 

No, she said. 

Do you think you made the right decision? 

Again her head hung in shame. 

Just her eyes looked up as she said, I'm not sure. 

WWOOOOWWWWWWW, I thought. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her as she had this extreme sadness in telling this story. I was truly honored she opened up to me. Again, I could tell by the way she was talking she doesn't tell this story very often ... if ever. 

I don't think we ever know the "right" decision, I say back to her. We just keep making a series of choices, but I do believe in listening to that inner guidance. You have to follow your gut, you can't be self sacrificial to your now husband just because he asked first. You need to figure out what YOU want. (Thank you Drama of the Gifted Child.) 

I'm not a religious person, but I could tell she was. 

I put my hand on hers and said, I'm going to pray that the decision finds you and that you find peace with this. 

She thanked me profusely, as my car was then pulled up. 

I believe in love, I told her. If it is meant to be, it will be when it comes to these things. 

I could tell how shaken she was by our interaction so I said that last part with a HUGGGEEE smile on my face to alleviate the heavy energy. 

I got back in my car, and before I pulled away noticed that my back window had fallen down quite a bit. 

NOOO!! I thought. 

See, when I got my car back, the person that lived in it for however long had messed up the regulator that makes the window itself go up and down. Because of how the beetle convertibles are designed it's not just an easy fix, you actually have to replace the whole panel. The price for that is $600 a pop. I was looking at $1200 FREAKING DOLLARS JUST TO GET THE WINDOWS FIXED!!! 

I negotiated with my mechanic and got him to just put some cardboard and other schtuff in there to hold it up for as long as it could until I had the extra cash to get it fixed. 

I'm by no means rich, but because everything I do is sponsored, the money that I make I actually get to save. 

Now, normally all of that would be fine. I'd just see that, go and get it fixed ... but this month I am also moving. To get (which I hope will be my apartment) I had to fork over just shy of 5K with the additional security depsosits from trashing my credit by going off the grid. It was fine, I had no problem paying it - but KNOWING how expensive this window repair is really pissed me off. 

You couldn't have waited just a FEW MORE WEEKS universe?!?! I thought shaking my fist in the air. 

I fixed it as best as I could (mind you tugging and pulling in sky high heels, a skirt, and summer top. You think men will help you when they see a chick having car trouble. Nope. Three times now. Marriage proposals I get. Help with my car? Hell no.), but the back window had fallen so much anyone could have EASILY just broken into my vehicle and done whatever. 

I thought about just putting cardboard, tape, or even a curtain up - but none of it made sense. 

Just get it taken care of, I told myself. Everything always falls into place, I just have to trust. 

My car is fully paid off, and the story of all of the places it has been and people that have lived in it kinda make my life. It's this champion of survival and getting shit done. Even right now, someone had sideswiped me when it was in the garage and instead of freaking and going and getting touch up paint - I display it proudly. I even considered painting it like bright pink just so I could have "war paint" on the side of the car since it was TRULY that badass. I figured though that I am enough of a people magnet, attracting the cray cray with war paint prolly isn't the best life choice. 

While I was in the waiting room for my next meeting, I got an email from my buddy Fran. It was in response to my latest post: 

I can't begin to tell you how much that moved me. 

It's so true!!!! 

I spend my life analyzing everything. As I learned though, the intellectualism is actually a wall guarding my ability to be vulnerable. Even with this website, the only time in my life that I truly express everything, there is still an actual wall, monitor, or barrier in general between me and anyone that reads it. 

This is why I've been very hesitant on posting anything re: the series of breakthroughs I have had this year. I was even hesitant on talking about any inner child work, but realized the value that I know I needed to at least hold myself accountable and the value that I know you all have by seeing life through a such a transparent experience. 

I can't just keep talking about it, all I have to do is just let go and just be for the SOLE PURPOSE of merely EXISTING!!! 

Who fucking cares that so and so did this to so and so and that I have xyz defense mechanisms? Once you become aware of it, just accept it and let it go. Period end of sentence!! The longer you sit with it and beat yourself up over it the less you are actually able to move on!! 

A few more hours passed, and I got a call from a friend asking if I could be in Miami for the weekend. 

Yes, I said knowing why she was asking. I can fly first thing Saturday morning, in fact!! 

I am going there not as "Jen Friel the lifecaster" rather, Jen the 28 year old from Connecticut that has spent the last 9 years of her life living in Los Angeles. I will not be documenting my time there, nor working at all on the trip. It is for me, 100%. 

That being said though, this particular instance is the epitome of learning to "let go." I am in a situation where I am being set up by someone and going in COMPLETELY cold. 

I don't know his name, nor do I know what he looks like.

I know the first initial of his first name, and very basic lifestyle information. 

My friend though is a professional matchmaker and she says her gut instincts are pretty strong on this one. 

We shall see, said the skeptic. 

I've told a few friends what I was doing, and they all laughed when I told them HOW NERVOUS I am. 

Weren't you the one that coined the whole "destination dating" thing anyway? This is what you do! Even though, after the last one, you said you'd never do it again.

I know, I said, but all of that was for the adventure partnered with an extremely open mind. This one is for me. Only me. I'm going to allow myself to be vulnerable and be as authentic as I can be with this individual. In the brief correspondences we've had, we seem to both be on that page. 

The vulnerability aspect of this has COMPLETELY freaked me the fuck out though. I never realized how much of a control freak I am until just a few months ago. I know how to work the internet. Because of that, I can literally find anything on anyone. If I can't find something on you, you're either a fake, or you've paid a REALLY good ORM (online reputation manager) to hide insanely wild shit and I want his/her info. 

This is the first time in my life I am going in totally cold. I'm flying across the country to meet someone and spend a few days with them under the trust of another person. I said yes, because I believe in her, but the reality of my decision has been truly screwey. I can logically talk myself through it, and know people in Miami should anything get too weird, but it's kind of a beautiful moment for me at the same time. Not only did I articulate to my friend just how nuts and scared all of this made me, but I know I am going to be equally honest with the person I am meeting. This is an extreme case of just letting go and fully trusting not one, but two people. I honestly don't think I've ever done that. 

At least, unlike the valet lady, I know I won't carry any regret. 

Here I go again ...  

#namaste

Oh yeah and ... 

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