#NerdsUnite: Dating, Depression, and Hope (A messy mind makes it hard to write)

Feb 2

<editorsnote> Nerds, meet my buddy Fran. She's currently living the island life after giving up 15 years spent in the corporate world. WOW! What an adjustment. She is here to talk about her life, love, and all things nerd. I only have one more thing left to say ... HIT IT FRAN!!! </editorsnote>

#TalkNerdyToMeLover's Fran Dingle

Oh the mess of mistakes I have made when it comes boys, men and men who act like boys. I have no regrets, none. I’ve learned a lot. In the process of thinking about writing about all of the unworthy men I have encountered I decided not to take a trip down misery lane. I’m not harboring any guilt or shame about loves of the past. In fact for the most part when it comes to love, I have been very lucky. Before the depression became heavy and changed up my brain, love life and dating was something I really enjoyed.

I was very fortunate in my 20s, I had two long term relationships. Sure they both ended, but the lessons learned and the love that was shared was totally worth it. My first real adult love was magic and special – amazing and one of kind in my young love floaty mind. We fell in love in a rose garden, while sitting on benches in the Boston Museum of Fine Arts Rose Garden. On a lovely fall day when the air was perfect and love was definitely in the air. 5 years later and a break up from hell I walked away one strong ass woman. Within 2 years of that relationship ending I ended up traveling to Europe twice and across the country three times. I had a cute little one bedroom apartment with trippy The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe wall paper from 1972. The next relationship, while destined to fail at the very beginning had some pretty amazing moments. Two kick ass vacations on Nantucket. Relationship 2 started out one June night during New England heat wave. 90 plus degrees with very high humidity. He and I were out for beers as friends – we drank way more than anyone ever should on a Wednesday. All of a sudden a large transformer right outside the bar BLEW UP. At that point he and I gave in to the sparks we were both feeling for each other. Last call was immediate we stumbled and groped each other 2 blocks to his house, proceeded to have mind blowing naked time while listening to the easy rock local radio station. Hours later we woke up, proclaimed our love for each other and embarked on one hellacious relationship. When relationship two ended I ended up with a divine one bedroom apartment in Charlestown. I became the hostess with the mostest and had friends from all over the country and city over often. More trips to Europe followed and then a relocation to San Diego, a new job and a kick ass apartment in La Jolla.

It was in my 30s that my depression furiously kicked things up a notch and my once sane thinking mind got messy. Seriously fucked up messy for a very long time. I started second guessing all of my personal decisions. I stopped writing. One day my writing brain just stopped. It wasn’t the men I was picking, it was ME. I was slowly building up my army of one against myself. In thinking about writing a post about the unworthy men in my life, I got to thinking more about the strength and the courage I gained from these blips in my autobiography. These men, these choices, these bad decisions and myriad of mistakes and I am still unable to truly hate on any of them. I don’t hate myself for the choices. Sure some of them of not very proud of, but None of them will ever be more than a few sentences in my life story and the lessons learned bring healthy enlightenment and peace to the woman I am now a days. I am very strong, I have much to be proud of and my potential really is limitless as long as I tap into it and keep the brain happy.

By big news of the past few days is exciting. I’m in the process of setting up my first OKC date– go me! He doesn’t live on St Croix, he lives in Puerto Rico. Kind of like one state away on the mainland. Luckily for him and me JetBlue just started flying here direct from San Juan and they are still offering super low one way fares – less than $100 round trip and that includes taxes! An additional bonus is my boss owns an Eco-Lodge and has offered it to me to use anytime for friends and family. The guy and I are going to rough it for the weekend together in one of the cabins. Our loose agenda is a rain forest hike, a long walk on the west end beaches, maybe some ruins and a horse back ride. We’re planning to have an open fire cook off – I’m curious to see if he can actually cook. Wait til he sees what I am capable of with only a small amount of ingredients! We’ve hit it off fairly well online, let’s see if this is anything more than a new cool friend once we’re IRL. Although it would be nice to want to see him naked. No matter what I am looking forward to the weekend he visits. I know I am a fantastic hostess. Camp is spectacular and the island is lovely right now. Until then I will keep enjoying myself with our online interactions, yay for Skype!

It’s been very hard to write this week. I am a day late with my blog. For three days this past week I was deep in my dark head. Second guessing my responses to some important emails, heavy and tired. Didn’t feel pretty so that means I won’t look in the mirror or care much about my appearance. Then I remembered how good it feels to write, how elated I always feel. This blog brings me a freedom and I will be damned if the depression eats my mind away from it. No. Please no. Not this time. I am very determined to break the cycle of my wandering lonely mind. I will have a life and I will be happy. I’ve started my Latin classes and am enjoying the homework. Soon my Creative Writing class starts and I cannot wait. By literally flat out refusing to be miserable, the noose around my writing brain came off and it feels so good. Today I feel pretty and I am pretty, inside and out. Thanks for reading. Cheers!

“Piti, piti, wazo fe nich li. Little by little the bird builds its nest.” Haitian proverb