#NerdsUnite: Oh, harro 2012 (The Reluctant Leader Leads)
2011 was a very trippy journey for me. 2010 was about this super gnarly journey that I went on very literally throwing myself into social media, and 2011 was about finding the business in it.
I now have an advisor in el senor Ben Parr, and am now the proud owner of an S-Corp called #NerdsUnite Productions. Everything is filtering in which is super fucking rad - but at the same time, I have to ask myself does the enthusiasm (which IS this website) stay as things expand out?
My job right now through and through is to keep my feet on the ground, and to understand that I have certain gifts - but I am merely a vessel. I have to stay present, stay humble, and abide by the universal laws that NO ONE can escape from (I don't care HOW awesome you think you are - babe, yo' shit stank!).
Keeping your feet on the ground though when you sit in all of these meetings morning, noon, and night is a very difficult thing. EVERYONE has seen appeal in this brand - but at the very core of the appeal ... (said as humbly as possible) is me! So who am I? What do I want to do? What rocks my socks off?
It's funny, my entire life I feel like has lead up to this moment. I've had teacher after teacher after teacher tell me ALL THROUGHOUT growing up that I was a leader.
Even Romeo (aka my first love), in his Facebook message to me after I told him I wrote out our story told me that ... (you can read the entire message here - but here's most of it)
I'm 99% certain he meant to say you're a leader - but it's Facebook - we shall forgive. Plus, I love this kid so nah!
But seriously, literally my entire life I have heard over and over and over how good I am at leading and I'm CRAZY good at rallying people together - but being the center of attention for something makes me feel awkward.
When I was modeling and acting I was doing it because I never felt pretty. It was pretty much a big fat fuck you to the world (and particularly the people my parents grew up with) to say nah ne nah ne poopy! I'm special! Look - these people put me in things!!!
I did it solely to seek validation - which as we all know, never ends well.
I walked away from all of that noise when I started this site, and got back to my passion - technology (which is what I grew up loving). I was ADDICTED to social media when it first came out, and when I worked for one of the founders of Myspace on LiveVideo and I could actually see the lives touched by my stupid little webcam show in my apartment in Hollywood - I mean my doors were blown in. Dudes, troops in Iraq used to put on my show and I didn't even get naked.
AMAZING!
I knew that this space was my heart and soul, so starting this site was a no brainer - but now it's HILARIOUS that the ONNNEEEEEE thing that I walked away from I am now staring at again.
Tell me the person that predicted that Hollywood was going nerdy and I will show you a bold face fucking liar. I have lived in LA for 8 years - and you still could have knocked me over with a feather. Even starting this website in late 2009 - I was like woooaahh I am WAY too late to start my own thing ... no friggen way!
Um yeah - that's the thing about life, you're never too late to just start showing up for it.
My focus this year has to be on me, and on what I want to do with my life and what makes sense for this brand as it is my enthusiasm that is one of the core commodities. As all nerds know though, the SECOND you put the focus on us - we fucking freak out. I'm crazy neurotic inside my brain, and like a bug the second the spotlight comes on me ... I bolt.
That however, is no longer an option. I might have been reluctant to lead in the past - but I have to put on my OWN big girl pants and just get some of this shit done.
Part of my journey in this process has been to go and see a Modern Day Shaman. His name is @realityadjacent - and this dude is the TITS!!! DDs for izzles.
He's basically cleansing my chakras and all that other fancy pants stuff that shamans do.
(read more about out latest session here)
In our last session at the very end he asked me what I was doing for New Years. I told him that it was weird but this year I had literally nothing going on. FTR, New Years is my second fav holiday - I PLAN THIS SHIT OUT IN JUNE!!!!
Spend it alone, he said. It doesn't matter what you do, or if you're with people throughout the night - but at midnight, be alone and meditate if you can.
I looked at him, and laughed to myself. This is EXACTLY why I had no plans - this makes so much sense.
So, last night I plopped my little fanny on the floor of my bedroom and shortly after 9 started to meditate.
I started off rebelling a bit and kicking it to some 90s tunes, but around 11 after I got off of twitter, and everything in the online world - I put on this healing mantra video I found on YouTube.
I then drifted away to the song gently letting out the word "ommmm" to release all of the negative energy.
Then, the gnarliest thing happened - I could actually feel my hands (which were placed on my knees) get really really really hot. Like CRAZY hot; I could very literally feel my energy field.
I then placed my hands over my heart ... and I started tripping out in the best way ever - I felt so. so. so. much. love.
It just poured from every pore and oozed from every bit of my being.
I have never felt more at peace in my entire life.
In that present moment, in that present ... everything ... was where I was. The me that I was asking so many questions of ... the me that doesn't want to lead but now has to ... the me that doubts herself ... the me is actually not me, and is only love.
I am love.
Above EEVVERRRYYYTHIIINNNGGGG else that I ever could possibly call myself in this world (nerd, lifecaster, writer, blogger, social media guru/ninja/rockstar/whofuckingcares) is at its most peaceful state this massive bundle of love energy.
There is not going to be this grand moment where things are going to change in my life this year as long as I just continue to stay in this love. I will always always always know what to do next as long as I operate from this place, and ONLY this place. Again, we are just vessels, and we're given certain gifts and it is our job to just share.
Crazy - ah ha moment for me to be that UNBELIEVABLY still during such a time of chaos. But that's just it - it's perceived. Life is just being, and situations just are. I tell myself I have a lot on my plate right now, but what is the plate? What is a lot? What is, is what?
One of the greatest lessons the shaman has taught me was one that I learned solely on my own. He showed me the path by telling me to meditate at midnight, and the rest was on me.
The product of said meditation was that of OVERWHELMING love - which is HILARIOUS because I also have it tattooed on my wrist ...
You'd think you wouldn't forget something that is tattooed on you - but trust me, you do.
So there you go nerds. I have nothing to fear because as long as I am operated from a place of love, you can do no wrong. WHAT IS WRONG ANYWAY!?!?!!?!? Goodness gracious I can talk myself in circles for hours on this.
But for reals nerds ... this year is such a blessing. Don't focus on "what you want to do better" this year as a whole - take it all bit by bit. Focus on only the 86,400 seconds we have in each day, and operate from a place of love. From THAAAAATTTT it will lead you down the road, which will lead you down the road, which will lead you down the road. The starting point is in you - not the calendar.
#nerdsunite
