This is a story about #love, but it's not a love story (Part 10)

Apr 4

The absurdity that resides inside these glasses will amuse me for seconds. SECONDS I TELL YOU!!! This is the greatest release ever. ever. ever. and I STRONGLY encourage anyone else in this world that has a similar story or a similar experience to please post on it if you have a blog. Like seriously ... re-reading these stories, and hearing what you all have to say about them dilutes the emotional heaviness of it all; it is now your story as much as it is mine.

Seriously - just do it. ORRRR if you don't have a blog - drop me an email, I'll read your stories (JenFriel at TalkNerdyToMeLover dot com)! A TON of you have already been emailing me (might even post some later tonight), but seriously ... just share it with at least one more person in this entire world, and look at the words on the screen once you have clicked send and are done with it. It very literally doesn't belong to you anymore. AH-MAZING!!!

How did all of this happen? HAHA!! One conversation with @dustycpollyd over the frustration I was having on my current OKC experiment. I said there's NO WAYYYYY I can tell the world this story, I'm still too close to it. I caught myself, and said to her, you have to walk towards fear in life and walk towards things that make you uncomfortable ... I need to eat my own words and just do it.

Best. Idea. Ever.

Alrite, I'm going to start this next one off on a bit of a tangent that just makes me laugh my ass off now. I listen to a shit ton of 90s music. Like seriously ... the 90s and me are like besties from the mid-westies. I just cannot get enough.

I remember that summer flipping this song on my ipod, and him freaking out. GOOOOODDDDD I hate this song. This one magician had this as his opening number prior to me going on - and it used to drive me insane. That guy was so full of himself. What do I always say??? Life is reflective?!?!? Hit a little too close to home dear sweet mentalist. MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!

Remember, anytime anything in another person irks you, or makes you angry - check yo' self! People just are, and situations will just be. If something in them elicits a response in you, what does that say about you? BOOM!

Alrite on to the next one.

There is really only one song I could possibly think of playing while writing this ...

I woke up that morning with this immedate feeling of WHHHAAATTT THHHHEEE FUUUCKKKKK DDIIIDDD IIIII JUUUSSTTTT DOOOOOO???

I had posted all that went down on Facebook, told all of my friends, family, dude, even the lady in the grocery store. Like literally, I was a blubbery mess to the entire world - and had total diarrhea of the mouth in just spewing out all of the details of everything. *insert blubbery voice* He. Had. Sex. With. Other. People. OMMMMGGGGGG!!!!

I said that I had to go, I had to go to my clients office - so uh, peace in the middle east. Dude, I got out of that apartment faster than a hooker gets out of her drawers. I. WANTED. OUT.

I got in my beetle and started to pull away. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. You're so stupid, Jen. How could you ever sit there and think that you're smart. Who does this? Who does this after someone does that to them? I rounded the corner - stupid. stupid. stupid. I come to a stop, and realize I needed his clicker to buzz me out of the gate.

OMMGGGG YOU'RE SOOOOO STUPPIIIDDDDDD.

I pick up the phone to call him - hi, sorry, forgot I don't have a clicker anymore. I'll be right down, he says.

He walks down the stairs, and opens the gate. He smiles and waves - bye, I love you.

Just start driving, smile sweetly, pull away. Just pull away Jen Friel ... PULL THE FUCK AWAY!!!!!!!!!

I go back to the house, make a mad dash to grab my computer, and drive over to my clients. I was now supposed to sit at a computer for the next 9 hours, tweeting, facebooking, and posting about ornate customizable photo albums, available in a variety of shapes and sizes.

Yep, this is happening.

Omg I hate my life. Omg I hate my life. Omg I hate my life.

I sat behind my macbook pro wanting to just die. None of this is happening, how did I go over there last night - why the fuck did I even take on this client? Who the hell CARESSSS about this shit! Really? Really? Am I doing this right now. I pull their analytics from last week. Alrite, more traffic generated from twitter and Facebook - fine, fuck, I guess I am doing something good here. OMMMMMGGGGGGG is it 5 yet????

I was completely, totally, and utterly powerless over the mentalist. He had this chemical, biological hold over me - I just couldn't shake it. I wanted to fucking kill him, while at the same time I wanted to fuck the shit out of him. What is WRRROONNNNNGGGG with meeeeeeee?????

I drove home from work, after yes, 5pm did finally arrive - and did the only thing I knew how to do ... go on the hunt for a rebound.

All during this whole mentalist debacle, my very first love ever contacted me saying he was moving back from San Fran and wanted us to move in together. Dude, talk about something that totally came out of left field.

Tangent: My first week in LA I was at a Super Cuts on the westside, going in for a trim ... and the guy next to me gets done with his cut, and hands me this piece of paper saying - "you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I don't want to ask for your number, because I'm sure you get that all the time ... but here's mine if you want to call me."

Yeah dude, that TOTALLY worked, and I like called him that night. HAHAHA!! Now that's the nerd in me. I cannot play anything cool. ever. at all. ever. HAHAHAHAHA!!

We dated for a couple of weeks, then he lost his job. He spiraled into this super super super deep depression, and basically took it out on me. It was bad. Really bad. We had amazing sex, and dude, literally - the first time we kissed, I almost fainted. ABBBBSUUURRRDDDD chemistry. 25 is a weird age to date a dude. It's not really until they hit 30 that they're actually date-able.

Anywho, he totally broke my heart, moved to San Fran ... didn't really talk to him - then out of the blue he told me that his mom died. Like seriously, she had a stroke and just bam ... gone like that. I, of course, immediately get on a plane and visit him in San Fran. This was a few years later mind you - I moved to LA in 2004, this was like, 2008. I had dated other people, been in love one other time - but I just had this thing in the back of my mind for this person. He was my first love. I couldn't let it fully go. On that trip however, I got all of the closure I needed. We were such different people, with such different tastes. Dude, I was 19 when I met him ... 19!?! Come on.

We kept in touch over the next couple of years. I kept checking in on him, making sure he was okay with everything that was happening. I couldn't imagine losing a parent at our age. Gotta be such a trip. Flash forward to summer of 2009, he decides to move back to LA. He decided on my trip to San Fran that I was the one and he wanted to make a go of us, finally. OMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGG how is this my life right now!??!!? I wake up and realize I get closure when you wake up and realize you want to put a ring on it? FUCKKKK MMMEEEEEEE!!!!

Dude, that was the hardest conversation I have ever had with someone - ever. I told him I was dating someone, and I was in love (this was the mentalist). I thanked him profusely (yes, I thanked him for loving me - what the fuck was I supposed to do?), but told him the timing was off - and that I loved him dearly, always have, always will - but we just couldn't do this right now.

Yep ... he stopped calling me at that point.

Tangent over.

I went through my little black book, and was entirely disappointed in my options. Remember, I had just gotten back from being in FL for 7 months, and people in LA are super ADD. People come, people go, it's all about being on radar screens. I wasn't on a single person's radar screen.

Boning some random dude was not an option for me either. It's never honestly been my option. Not mad at it, but I don't get off from it. I wanted that feeling back - I needed to be in love again. I picked up the phone and called my first love.

Me: Hi. *insert girliest of girly voices* What are you doing later?

Him: Going to Jones - wanna come?

Me: Absofuckinglutely.

I take one look at my first love, and I think yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. This ... this right here, is EXACTLY what I needed. The dude looked happier than a pig in shit. I sat down, and a few minutes later we were joined by some of his friends (as they had these plans prior - I just kinda crashed 'em). He kept saying to them things like, this is the girl I was telling you all about ... and yeah - this is that Jen ... etc. It was super weird, but everything that I needed. I felt wanted by someone that I loved. Thank you. Thank you. Thank yoouuuuu to the goooddd that I don't believe in!!!!!

*hallelujah*

I had an amazing dinner, followed by a couple of drinks, followed by me leaving my car in West Hollywood, and me waking up in his bed in the Valley.

We spooned the entire night, the whole nine - but I took one look in his eyes that morning, and I realized all I was going to do to him was the same thing the mentalist did to me. This guy loved me. Like loved. loved. loved. loved. loved. me. Like worshipped me. Like very literally would have gone ring shopping if he knew I was going to say yes. I knew what that feeling felt like, and I couldn't in good conscious do that to another person.

We went out for breakfast, and I just sat there in this weird haze. I didn't have the heart to tell him all that I just went through with the mentalist, when he asked me about my last relationship I brushed it off by saying, yeah well - it didn't work out. Who cares, moving on. You look so good. (Which btw, he very genuinely did. He had finally gotten his act together, and just - wow. This guy is just a gorgeous human being in general.)

He sat across the table and looked at me so lovingly, like at this moment his life was complete. He was working at a job that he enjoyed, and now the girl that he loved was back in his life. His mom dying gave him this fresh perspective on life, and how short it is - and that if he wanted something he should go and get it.

FUUUCCKKKKKKKK JENNNNNNNNN!!!! WORST. REBOUND. IDEA. EVER.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I am totally going to break this guys heart. What was I thinking. OMMMGGGGGGGGGGG!!!

He drives me back to my car, and I say goodbye. He asks when we can hang out again, and I say I have no idea. I explained to him that I just picked up a bunch of new clients, and was figuring out all of the scheduling out. I said I would call him, but that I really appreciated last night, and that he had no idea how much it meant to me. He smiled and said, oh I know.

UUGGHHHH!! STOP SPEAKING JEN!!!! He thinks you're saying one thing, but you're saying an entirely different thing, and OMG OMG OMG OMG it's making all of this WORSEE!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!

What am I doing? I should just become a fucking nun, and never have sex or date boys again. I am so bad at this entire bit of EVERYTHING. UGHHHHH!!!!

I get in the car and drive home, making myself a promise, DO NOT REBOUND. There is no part about this that says, yes, Jen, this is a good idea. Just start working and don't stop ... make some money. That you can do.

Alrite, going to take a break now ... Next up, I check Facebook and realize there is a message from Brownie Girl. Oh and ... I invite the mentalist to my birthday at Disneyland. Yep ... I am really this stupid.